Emotional Rollercoaster

I think this should be called bogger not blogger, because I seem to use this when I'm bogged down. I have learned that writing is one of the only ways I process, truly process my emotions. It doesn't matter if they are good emotions or bad ones. I remember in high school I wrote a lot of poetry and even some songs. I wouldn't say any of them are any good but the art of writing them helped me process all of those crazy teenage emotions. Different times in my life I have kept a prayer journal, at times it is what I need to feel close to God and handle the things going through my brain. I remember that I used to write notes, lots of notes, these notes would be for friends, boyfriends, or even my mother. For some reason it was incredibly hard for me to say what I really wanted and needed to say unless I had a place to write it. Later I started writing sermons and song sermons (using a song from the radio to write a sermon) and I had to share them. I shared the songs on Facebook and my pastor's always let me preach whenever I felt the call.

Well today is just like all these other times where I felt the need to write. I filled with emotions. I have always been an emotional person, I used to cry if you looked at me weird. My dad always said he didn't have to spank me he just looked at me and I started crying. I remember crying when my brother was in trouble, which was a lot! Somewhere along the way, being emotional became a weakness in my eyes. I didn't want anyone to see me cry, I wanted to be stoic, and a rock. So that became the front I would put forward. I was even undefeated in a game at camp where you have to say Honey, I love you but I just can't smile. It wouldn't matter what the person did they couldn't crack me. I had accomplished my goal, in my eyes, of not being emotional on the outside. But that has all changed immensely, especially in the past few months. A huge part of me has stopped caring about appearing strong. I'm not trying to impress anyone anymore. Then you add in a lot of events like four deaths, a couple weddings, a youth group that makes you incredibly proud, a job you love, a job that is stressful, a new boyfriend, a new car, money, and anything else that has appeared in my life recently and it is all I can do keep the emotions away.

The closer I get to God the more I want to feel. I want to feel the way He feels, I want to experience things the way God does, but I can't do that if I don't allow myself. When I put on a front and pretend that I'm ok, or push the emotions aside until I have time to deal with them then I'm not experiencing life the way God does. The Bible says that Jesus wept. The strongest man that ever walked this earth, the epitome of strength, wept. So why am I so afraid of my tears? Why am I afraid to let the people around me see the insane amount of emotions going through my head right now?

I realized late last night when I couldn't fall asleep, that I am not done grieving. I really thought I was I thought I was moved on and ready to just remember the happy things. But there have been so many things lately that have stopped me in my tracks and reminded me just how much I miss a couple of the people that passed away recently. This weekend in my hometown is our big fall festival called Arkalalah. Both Scott and Jack had big parts to play in some of the events that happen during this crazy week. When I think about being at my home church on Saturday helping with the chicken and noodle dinner it just brings tears to my eyes when I realize Jack won't be there. I figured when I made it through making the noodles without him there that this would be easy, but its not gearing up to be.

Cowley just had their first play without Scott. It was the same weekend as my brother's wedding so I didn't go to the show, but I did walk through the set and around backstage. This was the first time I had stepped foot on campus since Scott's memorial service. They have turned his office door into a memorial and there are a ton of pictures. It was really awesome, but I haven't allowed myself to even think about it with all of the wedding chaos and life that has happened since I was there. One of my favorite Arkalalah memories was finding out I was a Queen Candidate. I think every girl secretly dreams of being homecoming or prom queen, but like most girls that is nothing more than a dream. My mother was a Queen Candidate when she was at Cowley and I remember thinking it would be really cool if we had that in common, but I'm not Queen material so I didn't let myself get my hopes up....too much. I was in Scott's office when they came to tell me I was a candidate. He knew they were coming and made sure I stayed there. It was such an exciting and humbling experience, and he was the first person I got to share it with. I can't think about Arkalalah without thinking about all of the crazy cool kiddie parade costumes Scott and Rhoda had for the boys, and even though his schedule was busy he managed to take time to pull them through the parade.

All of this hit me like a rock yesterday and I couldn't seem to let it all out. I watched Glee over my lunch break today because I knew it would make me cry. It was the episode where they were remember Finn (the character) Cory (the actor) that recently passed away. Well it definitely helped me get a few tears out but dang it now I'm sad, as if I wasn't before. I'm tired of being sad, because just as sad as I am, I am incredibly happy right now. I just want to feel all the happiness not any of this sadness.

Seriously how can one person have so many emotions at one time? God definitely has a "twisted" sense of humor :P. Well this has been a great emotional dump, I suppose I can get some work done now! :)

"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid upon it." - Albert Smith

Emotional Rollercoaster

Match Me

So I found this book on my Kindle. I decided awhile back that I wasn't going to pay for any books for awhile, and read the ones I already own whether they are physical books or on my Kindle. I get a lot more reading done now that I have the Kindle App on my phone. I mean the book I am reading is literally with me everywhere I go. It makes eating out alone and waiting for things a lot more fun. It is becoming one of my favorite things to go eat somewhere, and prop my phone up on my cup and read away as I eat lunch. Does that make me a nerd? Probably. Well I haven't found a book on my kindle that I haven't enjoyed, except maybe this one. I wasn't even going to make a blog post about it but then I remembered that I had decided I was gonna do every book I read for at least the rest of the year.

Match Me by Liz Appel started out as a good book. My mind was interested from the beginning, but just when it was getting good, it ended. I was like, what? where's the rest? It felt like a very elementary book, I'm not sure how many books this author has written but if this wasn't one of her first ones then, I'm hoping she has a day job.

It starts with the main character, I can't remember her name, trying to crash her ex's wedding. She thinks he is making the biggest mistake ever and throws her shoe at him and knocks him out. Somehow no one saw the flying shoe and she has a chance to escape with only the groom, and his best friend knowing what actually happened. To everyone else it looked like the groom fainted. She just can't walk away she ends up at the back of the church and makes some kind of gasping sound when the groom kisses his bride and the whole town sees her. The rest of the book is her pity party about not actually breaking up the wedding, and then she gets over him and her best friend makes her try online dating.

She goes on a couple dates and they are both big busts and then she is set up one more time and it ends up being the groom's best friend who has secretly had a crush on her the whole time and is a really sweet guy. Then its over, just like that, she finally finds something to be happy about and something goes right and its over.

There was a pregnancy scare in the middle and a couple other crazy mishaps where this friend guy gets her out of a tight spot and they finally end up together and the book is over.

Considering I just told everything that happens in the book for the most part, there is no point in reading it unless you just really want to read something brainless that is really short. This is the first book I have read this year that I do not recommend. I guess it was bound to happen at some point.

As always the picture of the book is a link to Amazon where you can buy it, if you want it.

Welcome to My Brain!

My brain is reeling right now with a million, ok maybe not that many, different things that are going on. Most of them are work related. Welcome to my brain!

1. Trunk 'n Treat
1. Put banner out
2. Make Fliers
3. Get fliers to the school
4. Find everything from last year
5. Get someone to take pictures
6. Get someone to pick up the pop corn machine
7. Condiments
8. All the papers and stuff
9. Kids' trunks.....
10. Face Painting
11. MC
12. Are people going to show up to help?
13. Can I really be gone on Friday?
14. .......
2. Wednesday night
1. I haven't gotten anything ready for this week.
2. We should send fliers home for trunk 'n treat
3. High School needs a lesson this week.
3. Mission Stuff
1. I'm behind on all things mission related this week
2. the turkey needs more feathers
3. the coat box needs found
4. Should I vote for books for bookclub next year or should I just resign, since I have only been like 3 times this year?
5. DCYM Stuff
1. Why did I volunteer for that again?
2. Trip to Nebraska
3. November 3 date
6. I wish I had some help at work.....I feel like there are a ton of little details that slip through the cracks because I'm juggling so many big ones.
7. Why am I so overwhelmed today?
8. I need to be advertising for the one event
9. I need to get the kids excited about our Camp Horizon Trip next month
10. I wonder where Daric & Shayna are on their cruise.
11. I have a boyfriend! - It's been a week, why is that thought still going through my head with such surprise?
12. I wish I could just curl up on my couch and watch TV tonight.
13. Should I skip the meeting I have tonight and go to all of the JV game, or do both?
14. Do people even read my emails?
15. I'm really behind on my thank you notes.
16. Sunday School....I should probably figure something out there.
17. I need to go through my emails.
18. I really want to eat the candy that is hanging out in my office. 
19. I need caffeine.
20. ARKALALAH is this weekend! I missed last year, I'm so excited to go.
21. Dad's birthday is on Sunday.
22. Christmas Program
1. Need to schedule stuff for this.
23. hmmm....I should probably start working through this insane list so that it can stop being so long.

Watching a Mann Become a Man!

Dear Daric,

As bridesmaids we were asked to write Shayna a letter, so I did, but as many things for your wedding, I felt like I should be doing it for you as well. I didn't have time before the wedding so I'm writing it now. In my letter to your beautiful bride I wrote about some of the silly things we did as children growing up like playing husband and wife, and I assured her that you were great husband material because you always made sure our doll children were fed and well taken care of. I also assured her that you were head over heals in love with her, because its written all over your face and everything you do. I have never seen you put someone first like you do her.

The main thing I really want to tell you is that I am incredibly proud of you. It would have been so easy as an older sister to get jealous of the fact that you're getting married first and that you have someone to spend you life with, but that thought never came to my mind, not once during this whole process. I can honestly say that I'm happy for you but more than that I am proud of you. This weekend I watched you become a man in such an incredible way. I have been seeing bits and pieces of this for awhile but it seemed to take full form this weekend.

Here are the things that stopped me in my tracks, and brought me to tears:

1. You have Grandpa's desk and you use it for Bible study just like he did. I noticed this at the Wedding Shower, and the fact that Grandpa's picture sits right there for you to see as you study also was a tear jerker.
2. You, not Shayna, you picked scripture to put on your front door. I was already emotional the night we talked about that on the phone, but when you told me that, it was whole different form of emotions. "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord." That is such a powerful statement for you to make and then to boldly put that on the front door for the whole world to see means there is no shame!
3. You picked a woman that loves God more than she loves you. One time in the car we were talking about the kind of people we wanted to end up with, I said I wanted someone kind of like you and you said, "no offense, but I don't want someone like you, you're too Jesusy" I remember trying not to be offended and thinking you just wait and see. Ha, you picked Shayna, she just might be more "Jesusy" than I am...whatever Jesusy means! :)
4. You pray, by yourself, with your friends, with Shayna. This has become an important part of your life and that's awesome.
5. On Saturday when you made it a priority to pray with Shayna before the wedding but without seeing each other that was huge. I stood there smiling from ear to ear watching you be so mature and confident. Then I heard you praying, I don't know what you said but I could hear your voice talking to God and I don't think I have ever been prouder of you. Shayna should feel incredible comfort and safety knowing that her man knows how to have a conversation with God.
6. Your face when Shayna got out of your truck and walked down the aisle to you. I have no idea what she looked like at that moment, but watching you making faces so that you wouldn't cry, as she walk toward you was almost too much! :)
7. When Connie started talking about your character, this sister beamed with pride. She barely knows you and she sees the incredible man you are, not just the sarcastic guy you like to be sometimes. 
8. You looked kind of like Grandpa Skelton on Saturday all decked out in your western tux. 
9. You chose a Unity Cross and it was very important to you two that it be part of your ceremony.
10. You chose to get married in the one place that I never fail to feel God's presence. And God was most definitely present at your wedding on Saturday.

As your sister sometimes it is hard for me to see more than the little brother that I grew up with. You were my first best friend, and probably my first "enemy," we spent many hours playing together and many more driving each other crazy. The longer I am away from home the more I appreciate all the time we had together growing up. I always look forward to seeing you when I come home. I know and understand your love for guns, camo, and trucks; and often that is all I see from you. But not anymore, on top of all of that you are a man of God. I know that He owns your heart and guides the decisions you make. I am one incredibly proud big sister and very happy for you and your new life. Also, thanks for picking the sister I have always wanted! :)

I Love You!!!

P.S. We have to dance together at my wedding, some day, because I wish now we would have danced together at yours!

Wesley's Covenant Prayer

I want to & plan to make this prayer a part of my day to day life.

"I am no longer my own, but thine.

Put me to what thou wilt,

rank me with whom thou wilt.

Put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed by thee or laid aside for thee,

exalted for thee or brought low for thee.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things

to thy pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God,

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,

thou art mine, and I am thine. So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth,

let it be ratified in heaven. Amen

Jenna's Cowboy

My most recent read was Jenna's Cowboy by Sharon Gillenwater. This book is yet again another Christian romance book. This one takes place in Callahan Texas and is the story of Nate and Jenna. Nate returns from active duty in the Middle East to his home town and the cowboy life he used lead. He finds his high school love is single and his new job of working for her father puts them in the same place all of the time. Nate suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and doesn't realize for the first part of the book.

This book does a great job with PTSD information, Christian life, Work Life, and Love Life.

I really enjoyed reading this book and discovering how things pan out. I do believe this is the first book in a series and I will probably get my hands on the rest of them in the future. This was a free book on Kindle and it was more than worth the money :P

Of course I have always had a thing for cowboys, and I love Jesus, and country living so this book was right up my alley! I recommend it!