We live in a world of sin and imperfection. I am a child of God striving each day to live out my calling. Welcome to my blog where you get the inside scoop of this Child of God's life!
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." - 1 Timothy 4:12
Today in Sunday School we were challenged to be like the Psalmist and write our own Psalm of Thanksgiving. So here is mine.
Abba, Father you are good.
Your Grace abounds in unimaginable ways.
Oh God you always provide for me.
When I am broken and lost
You reach out and guide me.
Abba, I offer you my life
I give you my praise.
You know the inner darkness in my soul
And even still you call me daughter.
I cry out to you in anger and fear
And you hear me and come to me.
You never leave me in my despair
You nurture and enrich my life
So I may sing unto you.
Abba, Father I thank you
In the only way I can.
Here is my life, my heart, my means
Use me for your divine purpose
Use me for your glory.
I have been feeling a nudge this week to get back to writing on my blog. It has been basically a year since I have written on here, except for about my daughter. When I started this blog it was to share my life of ministry with those around me and anyone who might happen upon it. It has always been my goal to authentically share God's love and Grace from my experience with the world. Well this past year, was a dark year in my life, and out of fear, self-doubt, and pure pain, I quit writing, I quit sharing.
In January 2017 I transitioned from a ministry that I loved dearly to one I didn't understand. I uprooted my family and settled us into a world of chaos. For the entire calendar year of 2017 I was miserable. I thought it was the fact that I had to leave Hesston, a town and church that I loved so deeply. I thought it was the fact that even after 50+ job applications my husband couldn't find a full time job, and then when he did, it wasn't even close to what he wanted. I thought it was the fact that I was drowning in bills I couldn't pay, avoiding debt collector phone calls, and contemplating finding a second job to make ends meet. I thought it was the fact that I was exhausted beyond words, trying to fit it all in. I thought it was the fact that my father had become incredibly ill, and witnessing that was hard for me. I thought it was the fact that my new summer schedule didn't include Performing Arts Camp like it had for 10 years. I thought was the fact that my office was separate from everyone else and I was lonely. I thought it was the fact that the kids in my ministry didn't care and didn't want a deep relationship with Christ (they actually do). I thought all of this and so, so much more. I even got to a point where I doubted my calling to be a mother, wondering why in the world God gave me this child, when I didn't really want to be a mom, and so many others, who are better at it want nothing more. Thinking back on that one, kills me inside. I am so called to be a mother. I am called to be Adah's mother! And I pray that I never doubt that again.
I have realized now that I am in 2018, and a different career and a different place all together, that it wasn't all of my circumstances that were making me miserable, it was me. I had become someone I didn't know. I had become dark, ugly, angry, and pathetic. I had lost sight of the beautiful child of God I am. I became a monster of my circumstances. I let the stress of living in this world deprive me of the joy of being called to something greater. I despised my husband, my child, my job, and more than anything myself.
I couldn't write about it, because I hadn't admitted it to myself yet. I look back at last year, and all I see now, is God. God held it all together. I had completely fallen apart. I am so thankful that I serve a God who listens to the deep inner groanings of my heart. The part of my soul that I was strangling, God was listening to.
For a year I was broke, and not just financially. And I am here to today to say that God brought me through it. God surrounded me with people who guided me and pushed me and pulled me through. From my family and friends to my co-workers, and even to the man I spent most of the year angry at! God brought me through it. I have a marriage, far from perfect, but a marriage with a man I truly love. We have together loved each other through our darkest moments in life. And we are together today, by the Grace of God, standing as a new couple with hearts on fire for the ministry we have been blessed with. I have an incredible daughter. Adah Grace will challenge me for the rest of my life, I don't doubt it, but oh how she loves me and I love her. The bond that she and I share is so much deeper than mother and daughter. She really is my beautiful ornament of grace and my constant reminder that I am here for such a divine purpose! I have a new job that I am in love with. God has returned me home to my hometown. He opened the door to the place where I really truly fell in love with Him. God brought me back to Camp Horizon! As the Program Director I get to live onsite, I get to serve incredible college students who are spending their summer pouring into young lives. I get to meet so many different people and I get to work with the most God-driven people I have ever been blessed to know. I get to go home to my parents house any time I want and I get to live and be at camp! Camp is where I met Adam, discovered my calling, fell in love with God, discovered the Holy Spirit, conquered my fears, tested my faith, and became who I am today. Adam and I get to live at the place where we got married! How awesome is that? And now the path is being laid for Adam to work with me at camp! Just when I thought it was as good as it could be, this is the final piece. The reason none of his other jobs worked out like we wanted them to, why his other dreams have failed. We were always meant to go home and together serve God in a ministry so much greater than ourselves! Today, I am bursting with the goodness of God! I am so incredibly blessed, eternally thankful, and forever a child of God, called to live my life in ministry with others!
Who would have thought the last day of Mom's Day Out Drop Off would be as hard for this mommy as the first day? Well it was, all of the things that are about to change are hardest because Adah has an incredible group of people here who love her and want to be a part of her life. If you haven't heard, we are moving again. I know, we seem to do that a lot! In January I start my dream job of working full time at Camp Horizon. This dream will also provide us housing and a life on camp! It really was a no brainer decision, but uprooting my child is still really hard. I don't know how people do this on a regular basis. I want to root her down and so she can grow in a community and feel like she belongs. So I'm going to actually dedicate this blog to all the incredible ways Mom's Day Out of Derby and Mulvane have been a huge God send for us this year.
Adah has learned:
How to nap on a nap mat
How to eat lunch or be hungry but deal with whatever is put in front of her.
How to hold a pencil
How to sit in a chair at a table and wait
That adults can love her and take care of her and not give her 100% of their time
How to play with other children her age
How to only take one nap
Words, so, so many words
Arts and Crafts
Itsy Bitsy Spider
Dancing lots of dancing
And so much more!
Each week I wonder where did she learn that, and then think it had to be Mom's Day Out because I didn't teach her that. She has grown and changed so much this past year, and Mom's Day Out has been a vital part of this process. She loves her teachers, she loves going to school, and I love that they love her!
So here is to so many more firsts and lasts and vital relationships for my daughter. Change is hard, even when it is incredibly good change!
Thanks MDO for loving my baby who has turned into my toddler!!!
Each morning of MDO in Derby she has to stop in to talk to Lois and "help" her work. This was the first day and the last day of MDO in Derby!
Mommy, Mommy I need you. If you are ever around my mother and I call her, that is what you'll hear. I remember rolling my eyes in college when she made me record that on her, I had done it on a previous phone as a joke. Now I scare her every single time I call her.
Today is my second Mother's Day as a mother. I have learned more about myself in this time as mommy than in any other role of my life. One thing I have realized is that there nothing in life that makes you feel more genuinely needed than parenthood, and obviously for me, motherhood.
From conception until about seven months old Adah needed me solely for life. She refused a bottle so it was on me, and as stressful and painful as it was at times, she needed me. She needed me on my good days and my bad, rested or exhausted, healthy or struggling. There were months that Adam would be jealous because she needed me, and my sleep deprived self just wanted a break.
Even now she needs me, I have more freedom now to let her stay the night somewhere else and she is fine, but the moment I return you can see it on her face she needs me. The first time I left her for a long period of time I walked in, and she looked up from playing, saw me, and fell apart. She collapsed into my arms and wanted only me for awhile. She needs me, and that is so beautiful because we are designed to need to be needed. Her need for me is incredibly fulfilling.
The other thing I have learned about motherhood, is it makes you incredibly needy. This independent, I can do it myself, woman has completely crumbled and I know without a doubt I cannot do it alone. I have a need for Adam that I didn't have before, I need him as a partner in raising our daughter, there are moments I literally can't handle one more scream or tantrum, and I need him to let me walk away. I need my mother, I don't know what I'm doing and she did a good job twice, so I call her often for help. I need "Nanny" Nicole, for her friendship and selfless ways of helping me mother are incredible and like no other. I need the village that loves my child like their own. I need God to guide me in raising His child to be the God-fearing woman she is supposed to be.
So to the little girl who kind of looks like me, thank you for needing me, and most of all, thank you for reminding me to rely on other people and not to try to do it on my own. Thank you for blessing me each and every day.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders." - Oceans by Hillsong
What happens when our trust is confined by our own desires and comfort zones? God calls us out onto the water in the moments when we are just getting comfortable in the boat.
We are not called to comfortable. We are called to move and breathe the Gospel to the world. The boat was meant to be a way to transport us to share God's grace, not the place we plant ourselves expecting others to come to us. Jesus never planted himself and expected people to come, he went and set among those he was trying to reach. We often allow the walls of our boat to become our home and our comfort. We allow those walls to separate us from the people we don't want to associate with. The very people God has called us to be present with.
Every now and then we might get brave and venture out on the water like Peter, and then we see just how scary and not safe it is, and fear starts to pull us under, and we lose that tiny faith we had moments ago. Jesus reaches down, and reminds us that there is no where we can go that He hasn't already been. Our faith may have limits but Christ's love does not. He isn't going to call us anywhere He isn't willing to go. He is calling us beyond the walls of our comfortable boat, out onto the waves to save His people from the storms of life.
Where is God calling your trust to go? Are you willing to leave the boat, or are you turning your row boat into a comfortable yacht? God has called you, are you willing to go where He sends? Let go of comfortable and get out of your boat, it's time to walk on water and go and make disciples!
