Confessional

When I started this blog two years ago I wanted it to be a place for all the crazy things that come to my mind that I want to write about, but more than that a place where I can be transparent. I feel there aren't always transparent people in ministry for people to see. Just because I work in the church does not make me perfect, even if I am a perfectionist. I consider this blog part of my ministry and therefore I am real, I want people to see the good, the bad, and even the ugly.

So today this post is going to be kind of a confessional. So yesterday I was out to dinner with Adam. We were eating at Montana Mike's, we frequent Applebees on a fairly regular basis so we were mixing it up. We were in the first booth and there was a lady by herself in the booth behind us. She was sitting so that we were facing each other. Adam was in the wrong spot to block her from me, so every time I looked up I made eye contact with her. It really started to make me feel uncomfortable, I felt like I was staring at her. So I tried to scoot over but there wasn't enough room, so I asked Adam to move over for me. He is kind of hard of hearing and if he isn't paying 100% attention to me, then I pretty much have to repeat myself. So I did, but I had to a little louder and I said I was tired of making eye contact. But I thought I was being quiet.

Apparently that lady had impeccable hearing, since Adam couldn't hear me, but she did. She got up from her table and rushed to the bathroom with tears in her eyes as she said, "she thinks I'm staring at her."

Oh my goodness I have never felt instantly like scum of the earth like I did at the moment. Oh I wanted to disappear. Here I was feeling like a creep and in trying to fix that made the poor woman cry. And honestly I had already secretly written her off as annoying because of how many times she called the waitress over for things.

There I was in my Christian t-shirt with a cross around my neck and completely unworthy of everything I stand for. I was immediately convicted and it was all I could do not to throw up the roll I had eaten, as I stared at the wall trying not to let the tears fall. The man I love is sitting across from me trying to figure out what just happened, and whether this is a time where he should tease me back to a good mood, or just let me be. He knows he has a sensitive girl on his hands, and sometimes teasing is what is needed, but not at this moment.

I didn't have words, I felt like I should never be allowed to speak again, I just made the poor woman cry, how in the world could I fix this? Walking over and apologizing just seemed like it would make it worse, Adam didn't feel like it was a big deal, and I just wanted to disappear.

Through some prayer I felt like God was telling me, that I needed to take care of this woman's ticket. But I knew in doing so I would pay for my guilty conscience but everyone that worked there would think I was this super Christian doing a good deed. But it just seemed to be the only thing that made sense so I wrote a note to the waitress, and slipped it to her as I walked to the bathroom.

When the lady finished her meal, the waitress let her know that her ticket had been paid for by someone else. The lady cried again. I felt a tiny bit better for at least being able to help her out a little. Then I heard her call someone to come pick her up.

This woman that I instantly judged when I saw her and made her cry, was just trying to treat herself to a nice dinner, and based on her mannerisms and her clothes and the phone call. I don't think that happened very often. The waitress was super nice to her making sure she had everything she needed and wanted. So thankfully she left feeling like someone cared. Then we got our bill and her meal was 7.99. She had ordered basically the cheapest thing possible. And I felt like dirt again. I should have sent her dessert or something nice... Then the waitress thanked me for paying her ticket.

I wanted to cry out don't thank me, I was trying to say sorry....

So as we left Adam and I were able to freely talk about it in the car without the fear of being overheard again. But I just couldn't make him understand.

I have always tried to live my life as a reflection of Christ, and I don't think I have ever felt like I failed more than yesterday. Even as I write it brings tears to my eyes thinking about how horribly I made that woman feel. That woman whom God loves, God created, God cherishes. And I treated her like she was less than me.

When did I become so entitled? What happened to caring about all of God's children? Talk about being humbled, humiliated, and shamed all at once.

The truth is I can possibly pay to change the way someone feels. But I can't pay to change the way that person thinks about me, and what if she was trying to decide about God and here is this girl wearing a cross and Christian shirt being the opposite of what it all stands for. I could have just ruined Christ for this woman. And that weighs on me heavy today. I want to reflect Christ in everything I do, and that includes the way I think about people, and how I carry myself in public. I don't know how I lost sight so easily of this.

This song is always in the back of my mind. I know the answer for yesterday was no. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to start over today, and try to live like Christ the best I can. Because I can't pay for my sins. My ticket has been paid in full by my savior. So the least I can do is live my life in a reflection of Him.

Today I am thankful for another chance to try again. I'm thankful for forgiveness, compassion, and love, and I'm incredibly thankful for that woman yesterday who put me in my place, even though she has no idea!

Do They See Jesus in Me? - Joy Williams