The Words I Would Say

I can't help but to think of you this weekend. You were supposed to graduate tomorrow. You were supposed to have a party this weekend and put on your cap and gown and smile for all the photos. You were supposed to be the first one in your family to receive a diploma and go to college. You were supposed to achieve your dreams and have a future. My daughter was supposed to know you.

But I don't know where you are. You haven't been a part of my life for seven months now. You were my little sister for a decade and I only know you're alive from Instagram.

I find myself emotional this weekend thinking about all of the things that were supposed to be. You were excited about graduating and going to college. You couldn't wait to prove to your family that you were worth it and could have a future, that is, until you wanted your freedom more. You wanted to be loved so bad that you ran away from the only real love in your life.

You'll never know that making you go was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I knew in my heart that it was time, because every time you pushed against us I found myself praying that the little heartbeat inside me would still be there the next morning. I let you go for the safety of my family. Loving you was killing them. And even though I know I tried my best and did all I could do, it doesn't change the fact that the day you left my dreams died too.

For almost ten years I dreamed for you and was excited to see your plans fall into place, and tomorrow is just the reality that those dreams are broken along with the sisterhood we once shared.

I will always pray for you, I pray that you're safe and happy. I pray that you will find love and someday make your dreams come true. If I could see you now I'd probably have to walk away, but these are the words I would say, if I could. I pray God's love finds you somewhere along the way and you let it guide you.

You will forever be in my prayers and in my heart.

Best Day of My Life

Happy Mother's Day! Today is my first one, although I think we should start counting them when we're pregnant. But that might be a different post.

I keep seeing posts that say "The best day of my life was the day I had you." Or something along those lines. It got me thinking this morning about the best day of my life. It definitely was NOT the day Adah was born. That day was stressful and painful. It didn't go anything like I had planned. I had been in labor for over twenty four hours, I was done and incredibly disappointed that I had to have a c-section. I just wanted to rest and feel like my normal self. I wanted to hold my baby without it hurting. I wanted to enjoy it but I was completely miserable.

For the past four months I have felt like a horrible mom because honestly I didn't really enjoy my child for the first two weeks of her life. I hurt and she was needy, and I had had surgery and just wanted to recover but she needed my attention and a lot of it. But then I started to get stronger, I didn't need someone to bring her to me every time she cried. I could move and bend and cuddle my sweet baby. After the first two weeks I started to really see just how miraculous she really is.

The day she was born was not the best day of my life but it was the day that created the best day of my life. Every day I see her smile and watch her discover the world is the best day of my life. When she laughs and has a smile just for me, that's the best day of my life. When her presence brightens someone's day, that's the best day of my life. So that means yesterday was the best day of my life. Today is the best day of my life, and I'm sure tomorrow will be too.

The day she entered the world wasn't the best for me, but all of the little moments, and instances that I saw God in her little face those were/are the best moments if my life.

I will never be able to thank good enough for the blessing of being Adah Grace's mommy! That's what makes this the best day of my life!

Stay at Work Mom

That's right I'm a stay at work mom. A what? A mom who works full time and takes her baby with. This has been a huge blessing, that wouldnot be possible without all the amazing people who go to Hesston UMC. Little Miss Adah has such a big church family who are always so excited to see her. If I don't have her in tow they're disappointed they didn't get to see her. Even on her worst days when I'm at my wits end, they don't mind her crying (at least they say they don't) and are encouraging. They're always a helping hand, holding her during dinners, meetings, and Bible studies. She jabbers through church and they still can't wait to see her after.

I couldn't be a stay at work mom just anywhere and I can't imagine a better place to raise my child than with these amazing people we call family!

If you're looking for a new church family we would love to share ours!