Slow Down

Adah,

Tomorrow you turn 6 months old. It's hard to believe that six months ago I was at the hospital trying to will you to come out. You were so content to stay inside and swim around. You barely stopped moving long enough for the nurses to keep you on the heart monitor. And you definitely didn't want to slow down long enough to do your job to come out naturally. So at 7:46 the next morning they had to force you out through a C-Section. I wish I could go back and relive the first three weeks of your life knowing where we are now. Secretly I think I was mad at you for not coming out the way that you were supposed to. I was in pain physically and you didn't want to sleep much and I just wanted to cry and be held but Daddy had to go back to work and then so did Aunt Nicole and Grandma so I had to do it, and I had to do it by myself. It was so frustrating and I was mad at myself for feeling this way toward the best thing in my life, I knew it wouldn't last and I'm so thankful it didn't.

We have come so far since those first few weeks. 

The first picture here is from the day you turned 5 months old. The second one is from today. You have changed so much this past month. You now sit by yourself and play for long periods of time, and you roll all over the place. You babble constantly and love to blow bubble and make raspberry sounds. You haven't really stopped moving since God blessed us with the gift of you. Even your sonogram pictures are blurry because you wouldn't hold still. It is so much fun watching you figure out this world and watching you play is my favorite past time. 

But this morning with this picture comparison all I could think was slow down. Stay little for awhile longer. This picture took my breath away. So sweetheart it is ok with me if you want to slow down a bit. But I know that won't happen because that just isn't you. You have to be on the move and go go go is just your style. So I guess I'll try to keep up with you and enjoy every moment as it flies by. 

I pray that as you speed through everything you don't lose your smile, your silliness, and your sweetness. I love you sweet child of mine!

Love, 

Mommy

Slow Down by Nichole Nordeman

Happy Father's Day, Adam

Daddy, look at me now!

Your heart jumped with my heartbeat on the screen.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your breath I took away with my first cry.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your voice was the first I could recognize.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your arms are where I found my first rest.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your name is the first on my lips.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your song is the one that brings me peace.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your hands hold mine as I learn to walk around.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your smile is what I look for as I take my first bow!

Daddy, look at me now!

Your patience is guiding me as I learn to drive this car.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your approval is what I need on this very first date.

Daddy, look at me now!

You're the one I need to show me how a man should be.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your arm is where I'll be as you walk me down the aisle.

Daddy, look at me now!

Your breath I will take, each step of the way.

Daddy, look at me now!

You're the most special one on this first Father's Day!

Love,

Adah

6/19/16

The Words I Would Say

I can't help but to think of you this weekend. You were supposed to graduate tomorrow. You were supposed to have a party this weekend and put on your cap and gown and smile for all the photos. You were supposed to be the first one in your family to receive a diploma and go to college. You were supposed to achieve your dreams and have a future. My daughter was supposed to know you.

But I don't know where you are. You haven't been a part of my life for seven months now. You were my little sister for a decade and I only know you're alive from Instagram.

I find myself emotional this weekend thinking about all of the things that were supposed to be. You were excited about graduating and going to college. You couldn't wait to prove to your family that you were worth it and could have a future, that is, until you wanted your freedom more. You wanted to be loved so bad that you ran away from the only real love in your life.

You'll never know that making you go was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I knew in my heart that it was time, because every time you pushed against us I found myself praying that the little heartbeat inside me would still be there the next morning. I let you go for the safety of my family. Loving you was killing them. And even though I know I tried my best and did all I could do, it doesn't change the fact that the day you left my dreams died too.

For almost ten years I dreamed for you and was excited to see your plans fall into place, and tomorrow is just the reality that those dreams are broken along with the sisterhood we once shared.

I will always pray for you, I pray that you're safe and happy. I pray that you will find love and someday make your dreams come true. If I could see you now I'd probably have to walk away, but these are the words I would say, if I could. I pray God's love finds you somewhere along the way and you let it guide you.

You will forever be in my prayers and in my heart.

Best Day of My Life

Happy Mother's Day! Today is my first one, although I think we should start counting them when we're pregnant. But that might be a different post.

I keep seeing posts that say "The best day of my life was the day I had you." Or something along those lines. It got me thinking this morning about the best day of my life. It definitely was NOT the day Adah was born. That day was stressful and painful. It didn't go anything like I had planned. I had been in labor for over twenty four hours, I was done and incredibly disappointed that I had to have a c-section. I just wanted to rest and feel like my normal self. I wanted to hold my baby without it hurting. I wanted to enjoy it but I was completely miserable.

For the past four months I have felt like a horrible mom because honestly I didn't really enjoy my child for the first two weeks of her life. I hurt and she was needy, and I had had surgery and just wanted to recover but she needed my attention and a lot of it. But then I started to get stronger, I didn't need someone to bring her to me every time she cried. I could move and bend and cuddle my sweet baby. After the first two weeks I started to really see just how miraculous she really is.

The day she was born was not the best day of my life but it was the day that created the best day of my life. Every day I see her smile and watch her discover the world is the best day of my life. When she laughs and has a smile just for me, that's the best day of my life. When her presence brightens someone's day, that's the best day of my life. So that means yesterday was the best day of my life. Today is the best day of my life, and I'm sure tomorrow will be too.

The day she entered the world wasn't the best for me, but all of the little moments, and instances that I saw God in her little face those were/are the best moments if my life.

I will never be able to thank good enough for the blessing of being Adah Grace's mommy! That's what makes this the best day of my life!

Stay at Work Mom

That's right I'm a stay at work mom. A what? A mom who works full time and takes her baby with. This has been a huge blessing, that wouldnot be possible without all the amazing people who go to Hesston UMC. Little Miss Adah has such a big church family who are always so excited to see her. If I don't have her in tow they're disappointed they didn't get to see her. Even on her worst days when I'm at my wits end, they don't mind her crying (at least they say they don't) and are encouraging. They're always a helping hand, holding her during dinners, meetings, and Bible studies. She jabbers through church and they still can't wait to see her after.

I couldn't be a stay at work mom just anywhere and I can't imagine a better place to raise my child than with these amazing people we call family!

If you're looking for a new church family we would love to share ours!

What Did You Eat?

This is a question that has haunted me for almost four months now. Why? Because I have an incredibly gassy baby, and since I'm nursing everyone assumes it's something I ate. What people don't realize is, that question is a huge confidence killer, and new mom's need all the confidence they can get. Here I've been silently feeling like the worst mom ever because I can't figure out what I ate or drank that is causing my baby to scream out with gas pains at the most random moments.

I have read every article out there on what you eat while breastfeeding and the majority of them say that gassiness is not directly affected by mom's diet. So I would then reassure myself it's not me and she is gaining weight and otherwise healthy so don't worry about it. Until someone much wiser than me says those lovely words, "Well, what did you eat?" Knife to my fragile heart as I scramble to defend myself all the while second guessing everything I have ingested in the past twenty four hours while trying to calm my fussy baby down.

Well the last couple weeks have been worse while she cut her first two teeth. The last two nights had me seriously wondering what I'm doing wrong, as she has woken up twice both nights screaming in pain. Then today Nicole was feeling around her gums making sure there weren't anymore teeth coming in and discovers my sweet baby is lip tied.

So tonight I looked up the symptoms of a lip tied baby...
They include....
-excessive gas and reflux
-coughing, choking, and noise while eating
-feeds that last for extremely long times
-making a mess while eating
-frequent short feeds
-baby falling asleep while eating and then waking up shortly after still hungry

Then I watched this video: https://youtu.be/XZae0tz8RPE

Then I sat here dumbfounded as she spit up all over me again while trying to pass gas....

It really isn't my fault! It really isn't my fault. Oh my gosh it really isn't my fault. My poor baby, why has nobody looked for this before? No wonder we're tired and go through gripe water like crazy and I do laundry for burp rags and bibs. This explains why you often soak my undershirts when you eat....my sweet beautiful baby, no wonder you're miserable, you're lip tied. It's not what mommy did or didn't eat it's that tiny piece of skin in your mouth. Oh my, oh my...

That's a Beautiful Baby

I may be a little biased but I happen to agree with the lady who told me that this morning. This got me thinking about beauty. It is such a vain thing to worry about yet, we all do. Even as a new mother you're hoping this baby you have been carrying comes out beautiful, no one wants an ugly baby! lol I fully believe no mother has an ugly baby! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so they say, so when you're holding your baby all you see is beauty.

I was talking to Adah after the lady left who said she was beautiful and I said, "I hope you never forget that." It's true I pray my beautiful baby girl never forgets that she is beautiful, it's her namesake. But more than that I pray she never forgets why she is beautiful. For me beauty is so much more than skin deep. Yes, I was blessed with a baby people love to look at and talk to, but it's her spirit that shines through making her so beautiful. When she giggles and coos it just steals your heart. She is beautiful because she is the daughter of the King on loan to Adam and I. I call her mine but she really belongs to God.

All of humanity ultimately belongs to God, we just choose whether or not to believe it, and we get to choose whether or not to claim that identity. We are all beautiful because we were chosen by the King of the universe, He knows us by name and uses that name when He calls us. None of us are worthy of His love but He gives it anyway, and it flows freely from the cross where we were saved. When we choose Christ we choose a life of beauty. And yet we all get wrapped up in the vanity of life and worry about our thigh gap or the lack thereof and forget where our beauty comes from. Our beauty comes from God not our pant size. Our beauty comes from Christ, no earthly relationship, job, or body type can give it to us.

Because of Christ's love for me I get to be a princess, and we all know there is a special beauty about royalty. So when your mirror is telling you something different, or you aren't getting the reassurance you feel you need,  remind yourself you are a princess (or a prince).

I believe it is my job, and my husband's to make sure my daughter knows this and believes it!