A Look Back at 2013

January
  2013 came in with a lot of promises. 2012 was so crazy and had so many new beginnings that 2013 seemed to be the year for things to calm down.....or so I thought.

I got a couch! Finally.

February

Nicole came and helped me with my first lock in with my kids. We decided to dress a little 80s since we were staying up all night...we wanted to be comfy.

 The next day we stayed awake by killing time at the Cosmosphere. Then we went to bed and slept very well.

Autumn, Nicole, and I waitressed another Red Hat dinner. It was a lot of fun. It was western themed, we love any reason to wear boots and jeans!

I went sledding for the first time with Jessica and her kids. That was a lot of fun. There was a lot of snow in February. My car got snowed in for a couple of days, it was interesting.

March

I made my first t-shirt quilt out of my Camp Horizon staff shirts. It was hard to shut that door but it is my favorite blanket.

 The back is the cross, the front are the shirts.

Nicole and I went on vacation just the two of us to St. Louis. That was a blast.

My 24 birthday was a great time as well

Birthdays are always a family affair!

April

 Did April happen? Nothing stands out....I'm gonna have to go through pictures to see what I did that month.....

Well there is not a single picture of me in my mother's April album on Facebook....I must not have gone home any....

I know I started running in March and April so I must have done that some...but the weather and my schedule interfered a lot. 

I found this picture of ice....I forgot we had snow and ice in April. I think that is about all that happened. I think I was at work a lot!

May

I ran my first 5K with Nicole, I had to walk part of it because of the humidity, my lack of training, and my shin splints but I finished. Nicole has become a running rock star. I did really well at being healthy for a few months and lost 15 pounds. I haven't gained more than 2 of it back but I need to get myself back in the healthier eating that I was doing so well at.

I'm just glad I was actually running when they snapped that picture. 

And I'm glad we don't look like death after the race! 

June

June was a rough month. It started with the death of Scott MacLaughlin my college theatre director. My car died, and I bought a new one. That event had mixed feelings.

I really love my new car. Thanks Ford of Augusta

Home Time!

Performing Arts Camp "Alice in Wonderland" Cast

Family Reunion Fun Time

July

Had some sister time with Autumn

I got new boots for Daric's wedding.

And I taught these two swimming lessons!

August

 Rascal Flatts Concert with Nicole & Tasha!!!

Table Rock Lake Vacation with some awesome friends

Catching up with college friends at a wedding!

Autumn and I got "matching" sister haircuts for our 7th anniversary!

September

 Eli Young Band Concert at the fair with Paula & Nicole

 Renaissance Festival fun with Autumn

I got a fish tank!!!!

October

My little brother Daric married Shayna! Aren't they cute!!!

I love any excuse to dance with my grandpa, weddings are a good one!

 And I especially love a Father/Daughter Dance!

Photo booth fun with my sisters

 

It only seemed fitting that I carry my knife at my brother's country wedding. I didn't have pockets.

More photo booth fun with Adam. Little did we know a few hours later we would go from being wedding dates to more. I love that my brother's wedding, and this picture is where our relationship begins, even though we have known each other for years!

Girls Night out with Sabrina at The Not Wedding Event

Dancing with my daddy at my cousin Jarin's wedding

Autumn turned 16

Family time

Took Autumn Homecoming dress shopping

Arkalalah fun

Halloween 

Our Halloween costumes this year. The Stick Manns!

November

Adam helped me take some kids to camp. It was our first time to be back there since we started dating, it was a lot of fun. Since Camp Horizon is where we met, it will always be special to us.

We went to see The Wizard of Oz at Mulvane High School. Three of our Performing Arts campers were in the show. I need to get my hands on my picture with Dorothy.....

 Thanksgiving with the Mann family!

Some baby time at Reid's 1st birthday party. Somehow I managed to hold every baby but Mr. Reid himself!

December

I got to hang out with Miss Quinn. She is such a cutie. And of course I got to hang out with her Momma!

Night out with Camp friends!

Finding crazy costumes in the Christmas stuff

Adam helped me put up my tree this year!

Obviously there was a lot more that happened this year, but it's hard to include everything. So these are just the highlights. Thank you to everyone that helped make this year special, everyone who took care of me, and everyone who put up with me this year! :)

The Power of the Name of Jesus

I'm not a Children's Pastor, I don't know if I can stress that enough. Many people think that children and youth are the same thing, if you work with one then you can work with the other. Well the truth is I can work with both but I was not called to work with both. I'm learning that for me children's ministry is like a crowd of people to an introvert....which I also happen to be. I am very capable of serving in this ministry, and my job requires me to do so, but it happens to be the most draining part of my job. It is really hard to say that because it sounds like I don't like children and they just drive me crazy, that isn't true, I love kids, babysitting is fun for a couple of hours, but it takes everything I have to lead a children's ministry. People assume that if you are young, look young, ever act young, are called to ministry, like children & youth, or any combination of the above then you are going to be a great children's minister....People shouldn't assume!

We just had our Christmas program on Sunday, and this was my first year to lead it. Last year I helped the middle school kids learn their parts and ran the sound system, but this year it became my baby. When the time came for us to start planning the program everyone started asking who was going to lead the program, by default all eyes turned to me. I had figured this would happen but I wasn't going to volunteer until I had to. I have a problem of not being able to say no to people, and when you can tell in their eyes that they consider it part of your job it makes it even harder. Then you throw in the fact that a Christmas program is partially theatrical, and I LOVE theatre, I said I would do it. I dug through my desk and found an old script and asked around to see when was the last time it was done. As I read the script is seemed very familiar.

'Twas the Night Before, was the script I decided on. I typed it up so the kids could highlight their parts and we could change the songs and things if we needed to. I sent out emails and told the kids when to show up to practice. We practiced 7 times before the kids performed on Sunday. I left almost every rehearsal with no voice and just wanted to go to bed. This variety of ages that just wanted to play after school and talk and just have fun was wearing me down. The problem was that I viewed this as just part of my job. Another thing that wasn't in my job description when I signed on but was tacked on after (there seems to be a lot of that).

Thankfully this church has a large supply of costumes from past shows, so I pulled them all out and picked out what the kids would wear. I ended up with 3 angels, 12 little angels, 2 readers, 3 wise men, 4 shepherds, Mary & Joseph, and an exhausted & sick youth pastor (that's me). After every practice I just wanted to crawl in my bed and sleep until the new year. I'm a perfectionist, and there is no way to get perfect or even close with children....and young youth. We had a large funeral the Friday before the Christmas program so my program prep was pushed back and my normal week turned into an over 50 hour week. Not including the 10 hour day of the program.

Needless to say I was stressed, ready for the day to be over, and just viewing this event as part of my job. Well like everything when working with children and youth, it can be as organized as you want, but the moment they walk in the door things get a little chaotic. We had planned to run through the whole thing an hour before, but kids were late, and new kids showed up and it was just a little crazy. My normal reaction is to get super stressed and not enjoy any of it. But I had told myself earlier in the day that I had to at least sort of look like I enjoyed this. So I made my scrooge self listen to Christmas music while I got things ready and made myself be as calm as possible, which got harder the closer to start time we got, but if you know me, I think you would agree that I controlled my anxiety pretty well.

People started coming early like normal, and we did not get to practice, but by that point I didn't really care, the show was what it was, and then I turned around. Walking into the church were my parents and my grandma. It was all I could do not to cry out. I was so surprised, and incredibly humbled. My parents who never missed a show of my theatre career were there with camera in hand ready to enjoy another event of mine. And my grandma, the woman who directed every single Christmas Program of my memory, including this one when I was a kid was there to watch. I didn't even realize at that moment just what that meant to me. I felt bad that I had to finish dressing the kids and couldn't talk much.

Then the show started, and ran so smoothly I couldn't believe it. No, it wasn't perfect but it's a Christmas program, it's not supposed to be. I mean they're depicting the Nativity, a scene of birth, a scene of chaos, and love. Our little angels were incredibly cute and hilarious, and they tried to sing Away in the Manger while playing with their halos and trying not to cry. I couldn't help but laugh. The kids with lines remembered every single one of them, and you could actually hear most of them.

How do you not fall in love with this scene? 

They were all so cute, and the music was beautiful, as I sat there, every ounce of this just being part of my job, and not part of my calling melted away. I wanted to go back and enjoy every rehearsal and every part that I found so annoying only moments before.

Then when I started to process yesterday what had just happened I found this picture.

This amazing, crazy, funny girl looks so serene as Mary. The whole day of Sunday she just wanted to hold Baby Jesus. Baby Jesus was a baby doll that I made a special trip home for. This doll that has been around forever, was Jesus in all of the programs I can remember as a child, my grandmother had purchased it because it looked so lifelike. When she moved from her house to her apartment I became the owner of Baby Jesus. The kids first thought it was creepy when I brought it in. But the day of, our Mary seemed to fall in love with this baby. She was so sad when I sent it home with my parents after the show. 

Baby Jesus

It is amazing how when you give something the name of Jesus, it becomes special and revered. This could be the ugliest baby doll in the world but I will always cherish it as Baby Jesus, because that is the name we gave it, and the purpose it was given. This has me thinking that, if I would have gone into this program doing it in the name of Jesus, my attitude would have been so different. My job is ministry, but when I lose focus of the calling that provides my paycheck and it turns into a job then I lose sight of the reason that I do it. I may not be called to specifically Children's ministry, but I'm called to the ministry of Christ, and children are a huge part of that, and children eventually become youth. So now I look forward to the planning of the Christmas program next year, and my attitude is changing towards some of these ministries I have get to do. 

There is power in the name of Jesus:

• baby dolls go from being creepy to beautiful
• jobs become callings
• mountains crumble
• people change

Jesus is more than the reason for this Holiday Season. He is the reason we are here, and we are blessed. He is the reason we get to wake up each day with the hope of tomorrow. He is the reason we are handed the gift of grace and mercy over and over and over again. He is the reason behind my life, and should be focus for every single thing I do. Jesus!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!

These awesome kiddos got me these flowers...and I had a hard time not crying when they game them to me. "Best Director Ever".... more like "Best Kids Ever!"

Battles with Insecurity

I don't know if it is this time of the year, the fact that I don't feel good, or the fact that there is no real schedule to my life right now, or more than likely none of the above, but I am struggling with some serious insecurity right now. I'm not even sure I realized it until now. I think it is crazy how battles with insecurity come in waves, and they never come with a warning so you can prepare yourself.

I know that insecurity is the issue that has been plaguing my psyche recently because:

1. I'm feeling threatened by suggestions and ideas from other people. (This happens from time to time, and I do my best to not show my true feelings, because it looks bad, but I can feel it within myself. I really hate when I start to do this, it makes ministry really hard and basically unbearable. Time to check my ego at the door.....)

2. I have no enthusiasm for anything. (When insecurity overwhelms my soul I don't really want to do anything. I just want to play games on my phone or read. I have no creativity and I just want to stay in bed. Any kind of planning seems too big and overwhelming and I don't want to do it. And I like planning.... I also want to change everything, redecorate, clean, organize, go through things, make things, but I have no gumption to get off the couch and do it)

3. Physically I feel fat and not pretty and want to go shopping except nothing is going to fit so why even try. (These are all ridiculous things but that's what goes through my head at these times. The one plus side to this is that I start eating healthier and exercising  like I should be. But it isn't healthy to feel fat all the time, and I have an entire Bible Study series on body image and how girls perceive themselves so when I feel like this I feel like a hypocrite and then that just starts a whole new cycle of problems. So I try to talk myself out of this one as quickly as possible. I also get sick, and can't seem to shake it.)

4. I start to second guess everything in my relationships with people. (I say people because I don't generally have a significant other for this to apply to. Now that I do have one, it definitely applies there. I mean I have no reason to be anything but happy but I can't help but doubt everything. You know those thoughts, does he miss me like I miss him when we aren't together? And Heaven forbid I allow any thoughts about his ex damper my soul. And the ever pressing, is this the guy that I am going to spend the rest of my life with, will I always be happy, will I always love him? What ifs are the kinds of thoughts that make me fall apart and know that the wave of insecurity is in full force)

5. I feel like a horrible person and wonder why in the world God has called me to ministry. I should probably quit my job and go work at a bank or something else I am more qualified to do. Maybe substitute teach? (Oh its the worst when I start to doubt my calling. Actually it was a blog that I was reading this morning on this exact issue that made me come to my realization about why I feel the way I do but can't explain it. Jon Acuff has a blog entry called "The Truth About Callings" Thanks Jon for writing the truth about my soul for me to read today)



In the past when I feel this way I tend to let it sit in my heart and bubble up until it boils over. I make a complete mess of myself and then I can't figure out how things got messed up. So thankfully today I have realize what the issue is, so now I can kill it before it completely takes over and makes me insanely miserable for the entire Christmas season.

This song played today on my iTunes and it seems to fit. Even though some of the pains and stresses on my heart I have put there, it doesn't make this song fit any less. So here is to getting out of my head and holding nothing back from God. He's the only one who can remind me of who I am and what I have been called to do. That is one thing I can always be secure in!

Awake My Soul

I am currently listening to this song on repeat. This happens sometimes. I came into work singing it and it happened to be at the top of my iTunes list this morning so of course I had to play, a few times....by few I mean it has been at least 5 times and still going. I have a feeling this song originally started going through my mind because my phone freaked out this morning and didn't go off like it was supposed to and I woke up at 8:20 and had to be at work at 9 for a staff meeting. So I was still trying to wake up when I got to work. I officially feel like I am working half asleep. This is what happens when I don't get an ample amount of time to wake up before having to function...that sounds really stupid but its true.

So this song is now plaguing my mind in the way that songs used to which means I have to write, there is a message here that I have to share.

Here are the song lyrics for those of you that haven't heard this amazing song before:

Chris Tomlin:

Breathe on me, breath of God, breathe on me

Breathe on me, breath of God, breathe on me

I come alive, I'm alive when you breathe on me

I come alive, I'm alive when you breathe on me

Chorus:

Awake, awake, awake my soul,

God resurrect these bones

From death to life, for you alone

Awake my soul

Speak to me, word of God, speak to me

Speak to me, word of God, speak to me

I come alive, I'm alive when you speak to me

I come alive, I'm alive when you speak to me

Chorus:

Awake, awake, awake my soul,

God resurrect these bones

From death to life, for you alone

Awake my soul

Lecrae:

Then He said to me,

Prophesy to these bones and say to them,

Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!

This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones,

I will make breath into you,

And you will come to life.

So I prophesied as I was commanded.

As I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound,

And the bones came together, bone to bone.

And I looked, and tendons and the flesh appeared on them,

And skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then He said to me,

Prophesy to the breath,

Prophesy, son of man, and say to it,

Come from four winds, oh breath, and breathe.

Chorus:

Awake, awake, awake my soul,

God resurrect these bones

From death to life, for you alone

Awake my soul

Awake, awake, awake my soul,

God resurrect these bones

From death to life, for you alone

Awake my soul

Lecrae:

Yeah, I'm not alone, I realize

I breathe out, I come alive

Your word gives life to my dry bones

Your breath tells death it can ride on

Awake me, make me a living stone,

A testament to your throne, I

I'm nothing without you, I'm on my own

The only one who satisfies my soul

This song is a great collaboration between Chris Tomlin and Lecrae, but it is so much more than just beautifully sung words. I feel like this really is what my soul is crying out today. I'm sitting here in my office realizing we have completed my third semester of the children's program....and only have a couple weeks left in the other programs before we break for the Holiday season. We are planning all things 2014 and I can't figure out what happened to 2013. This last year, actually the last two years, have been such a blur that I'm pretty sure I just walked through and I have no idea what actually happened.

There has been so much change, stress, pain, frustration, blessings, and change that I think somewhere I put myself on auto pilot just to survive. I don't know how many times I have found myself just staring at the wall, for who knows how long, because my brain is just done. I can't believe I have been here at this church for three semesters worth of programming, and I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or how this works. I think that is because the first two I was so overwhelmed that I just made it work and this last semester I have been so overwhelmed on a different level that this is how it worked. But I can't keep doing it this way. It is not healthy for anyone to live life, and do ministry in state of overwhelmed.

As a church council we are planning a retreat where we will sit down and discern what exactly God is calling our church to do. The book study I just completed was basically saying the same thing, and I have been drowning in things that I have to do that I haven't even been able to discern, when that is what I can feel my heart trying to do. I feel like my prayer life has recently reawakened and it is opening up a lot of possibilities that have been held back, because of all of the "have tos" in my life.

I'm tired of being a pile of bones going through the motions of life in ministry. I'm waking up and its a glorious feeling. It is time to be who I was created to be and to stop letting these things weigh me down. It is time for my creativity and passion to wake up and come alive.

Awake My Soul!

Forgotten God

Forgotten God by Francis Chan is a book study I recently led here at work. I decided to lead this book study without reading the book beforehand. I did Crazy Love by the same author in the spring and it was the third time I had read that book, so I decided it would be interesting to read it for the first time with everyone else. The way we do this is we read a chapter during the week and then we meet together for discussion. This book comes with a workbook and a video to be used in the class setting.

The book is very capable of standing on its own without the supplemental material. This was a difficult book to read in the sense that it is very challenging. I think I am going to have to read it again in a couple of years to help digest it all. I think the next time I will probably read it on my own. I love Francis Chan as an author, he has a way of writing that I get, and he points things out that I know but needed to hear. Sometimes I'm a bit of a know it all, so it is refreshing to read something that makes me sit back and go oh yeah....that's right.....I think I knew that....but yeah! If you know me you can probably follow that thought process.

I like Crazy Love better than Forgotten God, but it may be because I'm partial to it, I mean I have read it three times.

Forgotten God is a book that was written to rewrite everything you know about the Holy Spirit. He tries to have you strip away your preconceived notions and look at it purely from a Biblical standpoint. There were definitely a lot of slap in the face moments, no one wants to be reminded of the ways they fall short, but we need to be reminded.

My favorite part is all of the scriptural references that he uses, both Old and New Testament. It was nice to be reminded just how often the Holy Spirit is mentioned in scripture.

This is not a book to be digested quickly or lightly but I highly recommend it.

As always the picture of the book is a link to Amazon where you can purchase it if you want to.

The Meditations of My Heart

"May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." - Psalm 19:14

Words of our mouths, that seems easy enough. Just don't say anything bad. Keep the cussing to a minimum, watch the dirty jokes, and don't let hurtful words exit your lips.

But meditations of our hearts, that's a whole different story. It is easy to filter what I present on the outside, I can control my tongue, most of the time, but there are more often than not thoughts in my head that I would be ashamed for someone to hear or read.

I hear this scripture on at least a weekly basis, but I usually think of it in the terms of preaching or teaching, not my daily life. This morning I heard it again, it stuck out. The meditations of my heart, that is so much deeper than what people see from me. That goes down to my inner being, my true self. There are so many things that I would hate for people to see, I'm really glad mirrors only reflect what is on the outside, I mean that is bad enough some times. If people knew just how dark some of my thoughts are then they wouldn't think I'm such a nice person.

My whole life I have felt like people put me on a pedestal, expecting me to be perfect, and waiting for me to fall. I have always had this fear of failing, getting in trouble, and letting people down.

1. My parents are teachers, so in my mind that meant I had to be good at school and be good in school. So my schoolwork, reading, and anything academic became very important to me. College wasn't an option but just the next part of my life. When I graduated with my Master's Degree at age 23 it wasn't even that big of a deal because it just seemed like the next thing, the next step.

2. Following the law has never been an option for me either. I'm always so afraid I'm going to get in trouble. The first time I got pulled over I freaked out because I knew my parents were going to be disappointed in me, and everyone was going to know I wasn't perfect. It was such a big deal for me, when its pretty normal for people to get pulled over, especially if they have a lead foot like mine.

3. This scripture has always been something that weighs heavy on my heart, especially as a Youth Pastor. I don't want anything that I do to cause someone else to stumble in their walk with Christ. I think this is the main reason that I decided one day that I don't ever want to drink alcohol of any kind. I don't have any problems with drinking or other people drinking, but every time I think about it, I just imagine one of my students seeing me do this and I can't. Alcohol can be such a touchy situation for so many people that the easy decision for me was no.

Romans 14:13-23

English Standard Version (ESV)

Do Not Cause Another to Stumble

13 Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. 14 I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. 15 For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. 16 So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. 19 So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual up building.

20 Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. 21 It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble.[a] 22 The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.[b]

This crazy sense of fear that has driven some of my standards for my life have made me who I am, and I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of the fact that I have proven a lot of people wrong, I wasn't a typical teacher's kid, I did do my master's in a year, I did not go crazy when I was in college like people thought I would, and I moved out on my own and have managed to live in a different town than all of my family.

I have always been a "good girl" but that doesn't change the thoughts that I have in my mind. Just because I was blessed with a decent amount of self control and make sure that I don't portray anything I don't want to, doesn't mean those thoughts aren't still there. I wish the meditations of my heart were as pure as the outward appearance/pedestal life that I live.  I wish there was an easy way around the selfish, lustful, prideful, angry, anxious, stressed out thoughts that plague my mind. I am definitely not perfect, far from it, I mean no one is perfect in this sinful world, but it sure doesn't stop me from trying. I have friends that are so sweet in spirit and just incredibly wonderful to be around and I just want to know, do you ever think the way I do, or are you always this amazing?

There are days where it takes everything I have to be nice to people, and then I go home feeling drained and disappointed in myself for letting something like that control me. There are days that I am so stressed out or anxious about life that I can hardly function and it usually takes someone like my mom to pull me out of it, and then again I'm disappointed and frustrated with myself for not having it all figured out yet. I take things personally and I am easily offended. There is a vicious cycle that my heart and soul go through on basically a daily basis. So when I'm in a reflective mood and I hear those words from scripture, "the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight" I feel incredibly convicted.

Feeling convicted is never a good feeling, but it is often the only way to grow. This blog post started a couple of weeks ago but I hadn't had time to hash it out until today. So this has been a week and a half of feeling this particular conviction. I am way too worried about what others think and about messing up in the eyes of people, especially my family and the people that go this wonderful church I work at. This fear has driven my lifetime of good behavior but has stopped me from really working on what is going on inside. I don't want what other people think to be what drives me to act the way I do. I want my relationship with God to drive the way I think and act. There are times that is the truth for me, but I don't think it is the majority of the time. I want to be better, on the inside, I want the meditations of my heart to be pleasing to God all of the time, not just part of the time.

Lord, please help these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, and guide me to be true to you both inside and out, and to not let pressures, fears, and life get in the way of who you are making me to be! Amen