We live in a world of sin and imperfection. I am a child of God striving each day to live out my calling. Welcome to my blog where you get the inside scoop of this Youth Pastor's world!
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." - 1 Timothy 4:12

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Give Me Words to Speak


I’m sitting here struggling with trying to come up with a lesson for tonight’s youth group. Something spectacular and amazing, because you see next year’s freshman are joining the group tonight. But it hasn’t been an easy week for me. I’m struggling here, internally.

When I turned on my computer this morning Aaron Shust’s song “Give Me Words To Speak” was the first song to play. I now have it on repeat. Not only am I looking for the words to speak tonight in youth group but I'm looking for words to speak to a couple young ladies that I mentor and I'm so lost with them that I have nothing to say. 

Last night I just laid awake in prayer with no words to say. I really am at an end, I have reached the end of me. Lord, I can't do this anymore. You have to take this one. Life is hitting really hard right now, at a time in my own life that I should be so excited about everything that is happening. I just got the job that I have always dreamed of. I have two amazing jobs, and I am a week and a half away from graduating with my Master's Degree that I have worked hard over that past 8 months for. So why do I feel this way? What is making me so empty. 

I want to be that person that everyone comes to. And I usually am. They chose me somewhere down the line, but now that push is coming to shove why won't they talk to me. Why are they choosing to hold it all in rather than to talk to me. I'm right here. I just spent an hour in the car with C and she was completely silent the whole time. She won't talk about it. I can see a battle raging on in her head but no words. Just "I have a lot on my plate." Well, excuse me for asking. 

And then there is A who just went through one of the hardest things a 14 year old should never have to go through. I'm so incredibly proud of her and her sisters for finally standing up and saying no more. And then in front of all of those people they didn't even know telling the court all of the horrible things he did to them over the past few years. And then she leaves the courtroom and doesn't want to talk to me at all. She didn't want me there because she was afraid I wouldn't love her anymore when I knew everything. WHY WON'T THEY LET ME HELP THEM?????????????

I dream and pray so much for these two girls that sometimes it hurts and sometimes it drives me crazy. Lord, I don't know how to reach out to them anymore. So please take me my heart out of the picture and just use me to reach out in the ways that you need me to. I am here broken open for you to use by your will.

My heart song today:

Give Me Words to Speak - Aaron Shust
Calloused and bruised
dazed and confused 
My Spirit is left wanting something more 
Than my selfish hopes
and my selfish dreams 
I'm lying with my face down to the floor 
I'm crying out for more (crying out for more)

Chorus: 
Give me Words to speak 
Don't let my Spirit sleep 
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying 
But I know that I owe You my life 
So give me Words to speak 
Don't let my Spirit sleep 

Every night, every day
I find that I have nothing left to say 
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance 
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard 
Let them be Your Words 
Let them be Your words

(chorus)

I just don't understand this life that I've been living
I just don't understand (x2) 
I just don't understand these lies I've been believing 
I just don't understand (x2)

(chorus x2)

I know that I owe you my life
Owe my life
Owe my life
(x2)