Well today is just like all these other times where I felt the need to write. I filled with emotions. I have always been an emotional person, I used to cry if you looked at me weird. My dad always said he didn't have to spank me he just looked at me and I started crying. I remember crying when my brother was in trouble, which was a lot! Somewhere along the way, being emotional became a weakness in my eyes. I didn't want anyone to see me cry, I wanted to be stoic, and a rock. So that became the front I would put forward. I was even undefeated in a game at camp where you have to say Honey, I love you but I just can't smile. It wouldn't matter what the person did they couldn't crack me. I had accomplished my goal, in my eyes, of not being emotional on the outside. But that has all changed immensely, especially in the past few months. A huge part of me has stopped caring about appearing strong. I'm not trying to impress anyone anymore. Then you add in a lot of events like four deaths, a couple weddings, a youth group that makes you incredibly proud, a job you love, a job that is stressful, a new boyfriend, a new car, money, and anything else that has appeared in my life recently and it is all I can do keep the emotions away.
The closer I get to God the more I want to feel. I want to feel the way He feels, I want to experience things the way God does, but I can't do that if I don't allow myself. When I put on a front and pretend that I'm ok, or push the emotions aside until I have time to deal with them then I'm not experiencing life the way God does. The Bible says that Jesus wept. The strongest man that ever walked this earth, the epitome of strength, wept. So why am I so afraid of my tears? Why am I afraid to let the people around me see the insane amount of emotions going through my head right now?
I realized late last night when I couldn't fall asleep, that I am not done grieving. I really thought I was I thought I was moved on and ready to just remember the happy things. But there have been so many things lately that have stopped me in my tracks and reminded me just how much I miss a couple of the people that passed away recently. This weekend in my hometown is our big fall festival called Arkalalah. Both Scott and Jack had big parts to play in some of the events that happen during this crazy week. When I think about being at my home church on Saturday helping with the chicken and noodle dinner it just brings tears to my eyes when I realize Jack won't be there. I figured when I made it through making the noodles without him there that this would be easy, but its not gearing up to be.
Cowley just had their first play without Scott. It was the same weekend as my brother's wedding so I didn't go to the show, but I did walk through the set and around backstage. This was the first time I had stepped foot on campus since Scott's memorial service. They have turned his office door into a memorial and there are a ton of pictures. It was really awesome, but I haven't allowed myself to even think about it with all of the wedding chaos and life that has happened since I was there. One of my favorite Arkalalah memories was finding out I was a Queen Candidate. I think every girl secretly dreams of being homecoming or prom queen, but like most girls that is nothing more than a dream. My mother was a Queen Candidate when she was at Cowley and I remember thinking it would be really cool if we had that in common, but I'm not Queen material so I didn't let myself get my hopes up....too much. I was in Scott's office when they came to tell me I was a candidate. He knew they were coming and made sure I stayed there. It was such an exciting and humbling experience, and he was the first person I got to share it with. I can't think about Arkalalah without thinking about all of the crazy cool kiddie parade costumes Scott and Rhoda had for the boys, and even though his schedule was busy he managed to take time to pull them through the parade.
All of this hit me like a rock yesterday and I couldn't seem to let it all out. I watched Glee over my lunch break today because I knew it would make me cry. It was the episode where they were remember Finn (the character) Cory (the actor) that recently passed away. Well it definitely helped me get a few tears out but dang it now I'm sad, as if I wasn't before. I'm tired of being sad, because just as sad as I am, I am incredibly happy right now. I just want to feel all the happiness not any of this sadness.
Seriously how can one person have so many emotions at one time? God definitely has a "twisted" sense of humor :P. Well this has been a great emotional dump, I suppose I can get some work done now! :)
"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid upon it." - Albert Smith