Brandon Lake's newest release catches my attention for many reasons but this month it has me thinking about our 10th wedding anniversary. My brain just keeps thinking, "I can't believe we made it here." and then at the same time, "Of course we did!" Marriage was created to symbolize Jesus' relationship with the church. It's the closest earthly relationship we can have to that of the one we have with Christ. So when I think about my marriage like I do my relationship with Christ, the words to this song fit so well.
"Yeah, I don't always feel it. Yeah, but that's when I need it the most. So, I'ma keep on singing 'til my soul catches up with my song."
Marriage is a choice. Each day I wake up I am given the choice to love my husband or not. I can do life with him or without him. This is the same as my relationship with Christ. And the days that I struggle to do life with Adam are the days, that I need him more, and my stubborn independent self doesn't want to admit it. These are the days that I keep pushing on waiting for the rest of me to catch up. Just like there are days that I don't really feel God, and just have to sing until I do!
"There are times when my hands go up freely and times when it costs, oh-oh, there's days when a praise comes out easy, days when it takes all the strength I got."
There are days when it is easy to be married and it is my favorite thing. Those days I'm excited to spend time with Adam and I can't wait to be with him. There are times in our lives when choosing to spend time with each other costs us our individual desires. And there have been times in our marriage when being together is the last place we want to be. Those days when you sit in the driveway a little bit longer, trying to decide if you really do want to go into the house where the other person is waiting. There are times when loving each other looks different than we thought it would and it costs those expectations we brought with us into the marriage. We aren't a romantic couple that dotes on one another, we are two people just doing life together, and if I look at our marriage through any other lens we can find ourselves at a loss. Marriage did cost us our individuality, we are called to be one, and there are times when it really does take all that we have to surrender to what we have together.
"I'll bring my hard-fought, heartfelt been-through-hell hallelujah. And I'll bring my storm-tossed, torn-sail story-to-tell hallelujah."
This part of the song makes me think of how we are two imperfect humans trying to do life together in a broken world. Each year, as we grow together, we are faced with many obstacles that try to break us apart. Arriving 10 years from our wedding date hand in hand, side by side is nothing short of a miracle and insanely hard work. We have fought for this life together. Some years our sails were a little more torn than others. Money, Jobs, Covid, Depression, Parenting, Stubbornness, ADHD, and Anxiety have all been a part of our story. We have been head over heels for each other, and glorified roommates. We have been best friends and frienemies. We have had each other's backs and left each other stranded. We have each stepped in and stepped up when the other couldn't. We have been through sickness and health, richer and poorer. We both have pushed and pulled. This marriage boat has almost sunk a time or two, but each time we have built it stronger together.
"Cause God, you've been patient. God, you've been gracious, faithful, whatever I'm feeling or facing."
But God! For real, we would not be here together today without God. I remember a season of our life that was particularly dark and I was ready to throw in the towel when a small voice whispered, "But you stopped praying for him..." What? Talk about conviction. I realized at that moment that I had again stopped seeing my husband as my partner and a human and was more focused on all the ways he wasn't what I signed up for. God was convicting me of all the ways I wasn't being what Adam signed up for either. The biggest one, was a wife who prayed. Why is it that I find it easier to love, serve, and pray for perfect strangers, and not the man I committed my life to? God said, "I will fight for you, you need only be still." So there I stayed and prayed and God brought us through that fire and every other one we have faced together.
"So I'll bring my hard-fought, heartfelt, it-is-well hallelujah."
We have had some incredibly good times together. No one makes me laugh like Adam does. When we are good we bring out the best in each other. He relaxes me and makes me have fun. And I add structure and stability to his ever-active brain and life. We are so incredibly blessed to get to do life in the place where we met, started dating, and got married. I often think about this crazy camp life we live, and God knew that here we would thrive together.
"I've wrestled with the darkness, but I'm trying to reach for the light."
We have a season in our life that we call the darkness. And we fought like hell to get out of it. And there are times now we have to fight to remain in the light. We try to leave this part of our life very much in the past. But we wouldn't be where we are today without it.
"Yeah, the struggle keeps me honest. And it breaks down the walls of my pride. 'Cause faith isn't proven, like gold, 'til it's been through the fire."
Nothing in my life has humbled me more than marriage and parenthood. I'm not as "good" as I thought I was. I am an imperfect human being, I love imperfectly, and I have so many flaws. It has taken a decade in the same space as another person for my heart to truly surrender and say, "Yeah, I'm just as imperfect as you are."
This song is playing on repeat right now, and each of these parts just keeps jumping at me. There is so much more I want to say but that's not really necessary. We are here, we did it, and we are still together doing this life, serving God, raising our children, and loving each other! Hallelujah!
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