Words of our mouths, that seems easy enough. Just don't say anything bad. Keep the cussing to a minimum, watch the dirty jokes, and don't let hurtful words exit your lips.
But meditations of our hearts, that's a whole different story. It is easy to filter what I present on the outside, I can control my tongue, most of the time, but there are more often than not thoughts in my head that I would be ashamed for someone to hear or read.
I hear this scripture on at least a weekly basis, but I usually think of it in the terms of preaching or teaching, not my daily life. This morning I heard it again, it stuck out. The meditations of my heart, that is so much deeper than what people see from me. That goes down to my inner being, my true self. There are so many things that I would hate for people to see, I'm really glad mirrors only reflect what is on the outside, I mean that is bad enough some times. If people knew just how dark some of my thoughts are then they wouldn't think I'm such a nice person.
My whole life I have felt like people put me on a pedestal, expecting me to be perfect, and waiting for me to fall. I have always had this fear of failing, getting in trouble, and letting people down.
1. My parents are teachers, so in my mind that meant I had to be good at school and be good in school. So my schoolwork, reading, and anything academic became very important to me. College wasn't an option but just the next part of my life. When I graduated with my Master's Degree at age 23 it wasn't even that big of a deal because it just seemed like the next thing, the next step.
2. Following the law has never been an option for me either. I'm always so afraid I'm going to get in trouble. The first time I got pulled over I freaked out because I knew my parents were going to be disappointed in me, and everyone was going to know I wasn't perfect. It was such a big deal for me, when its pretty normal for people to get pulled over, especially if they have a lead foot like mine.
3. This scripture has always been something that weighs heavy on my heart, especially as a Youth Pastor. I don't want anything that I do to cause someone else to stumble in their walk with Christ. I think this is the main reason that I decided one day that I don't ever want to drink alcohol of any kind. I don't have any problems with drinking or other people drinking, but every time I think about it, I just imagine one of my students seeing me do this and I can't. Alcohol can be such a touchy situation for so many people that the easy decision for me was no.
Romans 14:13-23
English Standard Version (ESV)
Do Not Cause Another to Stumble
13 Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. 14 I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. 15 For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. 16 So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. 19 So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual up building.
20 Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. 21 It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble.[a] 22 The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.[b]
I have always been a "good girl" but that doesn't change the thoughts that I have in my mind. Just because I was blessed with a decent amount of self control and make sure that I don't portray anything I don't want to, doesn't mean those thoughts aren't still there. I wish the meditations of my heart were as pure as the outward appearance/pedestal life that I live. I wish there was an easy way around the selfish, lustful, prideful, angry, anxious, stressed out thoughts that plague my mind. I am definitely not perfect, far from it, I mean no one is perfect in this sinful world, but it sure doesn't stop me from trying. I have friends that are so sweet in spirit and just incredibly wonderful to be around and I just want to know, do you ever think the way I do, or are you always this amazing?
There are days where it takes everything I have to be nice to people, and then I go home feeling drained and disappointed in myself for letting something like that control me. There are days that I am so stressed out or anxious about life that I can hardly function and it usually takes someone like my mom to pull me out of it, and then again I'm disappointed and frustrated with myself for not having it all figured out yet. I take things personally and I am easily offended. There is a vicious cycle that my heart and soul go through on basically a daily basis. So when I'm in a reflective mood and I hear those words from scripture, "the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight" I feel incredibly convicted.
Feeling convicted is never a good feeling, but it is often the only way to grow. This blog post started a couple of weeks ago but I hadn't had time to hash it out until today. So this has been a week and a half of feeling this particular conviction. I am way too worried about what others think and about messing up in the eyes of people, especially my family and the people that go this wonderful church I work at. This fear has driven my lifetime of good behavior but has stopped me from really working on what is going on inside. I don't want what other people think to be what drives me to act the way I do. I want my relationship with God to drive the way I think and act. There are times that is the truth for me, but I don't think it is the majority of the time. I want to be better, on the inside, I want the meditations of my heart to be pleasing to God all of the time, not just part of the time.
Lord, please help these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, and guide me to be true to you both inside and out, and to not let pressures, fears, and life get in the way of who you are making me to be! Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment