We live in a world of sin and imperfection. I am a child of God striving each day to live out my calling. Welcome to my blog where you get the inside scoop of this Child of God's life!
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." - 1 Timothy 4:12

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Battles with Insecurity

I don't know if it is this time of the year, the fact that I don't feel good, or the fact that there is no real schedule to my life right now, or more than likely none of the above, but I am struggling with some serious insecurity right now. I'm not even sure I realized it until now. I think it is crazy how battles with insecurity come in waves, and they never come with a warning so you can prepare yourself.

I know that insecurity is the issue that has been plaguing my psyche recently because:

1. I'm feeling threatened by suggestions and ideas from other people. (This happens from time to time, and I do my best to not show my true feelings, because it looks bad, but I can feel it within myself. I really hate when I start to do this, it makes ministry really hard and basically unbearable. Time to check my ego at the door.....)

2. I have no enthusiasm for anything. (When insecurity overwhelms my soul I don't really want to do anything. I just want to play games on my phone or read. I have no creativity and I just want to stay in bed. Any kind of planning seems too big and overwhelming and I don't want to do it. And I like planning.... I also want to change everything, redecorate, clean, organize, go through things, make things, but I have no gumption to get off the couch and do it)

3. Physically I feel fat and not pretty and want to go shopping except nothing is going to fit so why even try. (These are all ridiculous things but that's what goes through my head at these times. The one plus side to this is that I start eating healthier and exercising  like I should be. But it isn't healthy to feel fat all the time, and I have an entire Bible Study series on body image and how girls perceive themselves so when I feel like this I feel like a hypocrite and then that just starts a whole new cycle of problems. So I try to talk myself out of this one as quickly as possible. I also get sick, and can't seem to shake it.)

4. I start to second guess everything in my relationships with people. (I say people because I don't generally have a significant other for this to apply to. Now that I do have one, it definitely applies there. I mean I have no reason to be anything but happy but I can't help but doubt everything. You know those thoughts, does he miss me like I miss him when we aren't together? And Heaven forbid I allow any thoughts about his ex damper my soul. And the ever pressing, is this the guy that I am going to spend the rest of my life with, will I always be happy, will I always love him? What ifs are the kinds of thoughts that make me fall apart and know that the wave of insecurity is in full force)

5. I feel like a horrible person and wonder why in the world God has called me to ministry. I should probably quit my job and go work at a bank or something else I am more qualified to do. Maybe substitute teach? (Oh its the worst when I start to doubt my calling. Actually it was a blog that I was reading this morning on this exact issue that made me come to my realization about why I feel the way I do but can't explain it. Jon Acuff has a blog entry called "The Truth About Callings" Thanks Jon for writing the truth about my soul for me to read today)

In the past when I feel this way I tend to let it sit in my heart and bubble up until it boils over. I make a complete mess of myself and then I can't figure out how things got messed up. So thankfully today I have realize what the issue is, so now I can kill it before it completely takes over and makes me insanely miserable for the entire Christmas season.

This song played today on my iTunes and it seems to fit. Even though some of the pains and stresses on my heart I have put there, it doesn't make this song fit any less. So here is to getting out of my head and holding nothing back from God. He's the only one who can remind me of who I am and what I have been called to do. That is one thing I can always be secure in!

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