A year ago in June, I was broken beyond words. Scott's death hit really hard. I view death in a way that means usually I'm not too sad when someone dies, but this one was different. It didn't matter how I looked at it, or what I could tell myself it was not easy to deal with. There were definitely many tears shed, and even months later I would find myself at a loss for words to describe how I felt. I spent a good six months battling being angry with God and then angry at myself for being angry. Thankfully I serve a loving God who is big enough to handle all of my earthly emotions. From Scott's death in June through the rest of the summer, it sure felt like God was testing me. There were issues with my little sister that I mentor, my car died, and then there were three more deaths. Needless to say I started the school year a shell of myself, and just went through the motions with my job and everything around me. My passion and fire was missing and I knew it but I couldn't figure out what I needed to fix it. In January I finally was able to mend my broken spirit and come back to being who I normally am.
Through all of this though I was surrounded by people who loved and cared about me. From my neighbors upstairs to my family and friends miles away. I had a church family here and far that were praying for all of the different situations. I found myself feeling incredibly blessed, loved, and at home. I honestly think it took a time of pain, fear, frustration, and loss in this place to finally feel like I was home. It is easy to love a new place during the hype of being hired and moving into your first place by yourself. But after all of that wears off the loneliness sets in and you start to wonder if you really are where you are supposed to be, especially being single and having no reason to stay home and do things in town it was really hard to connect and feel at home. Then tragedy hits and these people rise up to surround you with love and support, and even though I wanted nothing more than to pack up and go home I had to stay here because I had a job to do. I had people that needed me here. And through sticking it out, I fell in love with this community. And then I fell in love for real, and he moved up here to be with me, and now I have another reason to stay. I have roots starting to grow deeper and I still love going to Ark City to visit, but Hesston has become home.
So now as there is chaos and turmoil brewing in my hometown, there is a part of me that is dying not being there to help where I can. But then I go home or to Adam's and there are arms waiting for me. Understanding arms that are willing to hold me through the fears and tears. Arms that understand that even a year later the grief isn't fully gone, so sometimes I just need someone to hold me. These arms are the only place my heart desires when the reality of the brevity of life hits hard. It is no longer pure and utter torture to be an hour and a half away from my family when something painful happens.
The only thing different this year is that these arms that are holding me, I can feel them on a physical level that I didn't have. But I know and I felt the arms that never let go of me even last year in all of the pain and those arms are still holding me, and have provided me with physical arms as well.
The truth is our life here on earth is going to hurt, its going to be brief, and it is going to be filled with sorrow and suffering. But we have a Creator watching over us and guiding us through the battles of life. And when we trust Him, He provides for us exactly what we need when we need it. I don't think I would appreciate the strong arms that now hold me if I hadn't gone through so much with out them. I learned how to fully rely on God, I fell in love with my community and church family, I learned that all emotions are justified as long as you deal with them in appropriate ways, I learned that my faith was stronger than I knew, and then I experienced/am experiencing God answer my lifelong love prayer.
So my prayer today for you is that no matter what you are facing today you reach out for the arms that have never left you. Reach out for those hands that created you, the hands that are scarred and bled for you, the only hands that can heal, protect, and guide your soul through this life. If you're lonely reach out, also, to the earthly hands that have been provided for you to hold; in your family, friends, and community. You don't have to go through anything alone. You are always surrounded by the arms of love.
Arms of Love - Kutless
2 comments:
I enjoyed reading today's blog. You are becoming a excellent writer. I am glad you found both sets of arms to hold you. Mine are always just a call away.
<3
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