I am a practical person. I love check lists and calendars and alphabetizing is fun. Sale racks are the only racks I look at, coupons are amazing, and money in the check book is a necessity. I love order, structure, and a good deal.
I am also a person Faith. I believe that God will always provide. And there are often times that my order and structure and need for practicality get in the way of my Faith. It's a difficult balance in a world where things have to be done a certain way and bills have to be paid. And there seem to be so many times that God is silent in the midst of our stress and chaos.
So when my practical mind collides with my soul of Faith then my heart is incredibly torn. But there is nothing more powerful then having no choice but to live on a prayer.
If you can't tell, I recently had no choice but to live on a prayer. So here it is. My amazing husband had a job, a decent paying job, that was casting a darkness on our lives. It was causing more pain and destruction than the paycheck was worth. We battled for months against the will to quit while applying for jobs and getting no response. Through many tears and prayers we felt many times like God was not listening and there was no hope. But being who I am and doing what I do I know deep down in my soul that it's not true because God is always there. So the battle within my soul was intense.
I was living in a newly wed situation of chaos. Trying to balance doing things the way I've always done, just the way my parents voices in my head were telling me to and caring for my husband, his soul, and our marriage. Normally these things line up but not in the midst of this time.
Well we took a break from normal life and went with some awesome youth on a mission trip to Arkansas with two other churches in the area. This was an incredible trip, we met some amazing people. One of these amazing persons was the second adult sponsor from Hillsboro. Somehow we got to talking one day about his job. And he smiled and talked about the co-op that he worked at. I've never met someone who works at a co-op and smiles when talking about it. After taking to him I told Adam he needed to talk to him. By the time we were headed home, I knew Adam needed to apply to work there. But they didn't have any openings at the time.
When we got home from the trip the real world hit like a brick. I knew that night that if I truly loved my husband and my marriage I had to put my practicality aside and put it all in God's hands fully. So in a complete act of Faith and desperation, I agreed to let Adam put in his three week notice at work starting on my birthday. That week we filled out 30+ applications to absolutely every job he was remotely qualified for in the area. Including the Hillsboro co-op.
During this time fear, doubt, stress, and all these negative emotions from the king of destruction fought for my heart. I spent a lot of time in prayer just pushing these feelings aside. About once a day they would hit in a waterfall of tears and helplessness would take over. But every single time something beautiful and Godly would enter in to pull me back into prayer and my Faith. We had the whole church praying, which was comforting until someone would ask about it and then the tears would be on the edge of falling.
These were three of the longest and fastest weeks of my life. In the midst of this we moved into a house (totally against my better practical judgment), we had Easter, and life went on. Adam also got an interview at Hillsboro, but then it took awhile to hear back from them. Then the day showed up, the last day of work, and I made it through with lots and lots of prayer. A week ago Adam left the house for his last shift, and his last night away from me. Then the next couple of days it felt like we were living in the eye of a storm because if Hillsboro didn't call soon we were totally out of luck.
Wednesday morning I went to Bible study with a heavy soul that was still hopeful, but I could tell I was getting close to giving up. My whole world is situated around my relationship with God, and the last thing I wanted at this time in my life was to be angry with God.
So pray, pray, pray, it was literally the only thing I could do. Three days of darkness....Then Easter came in full glory. Adam called, he starts on Monday. And my husband with no experience in this field will be leading in some way and has a starting wage that will pay the bills and provide for us in a beautiful way.
My soul soared. And for the first time in months the waterfall of tears was a beautiful thing. God provided, there is absolutely nothing about this situation that wasn't God. The happiness in my soul is greater than that on my wedding day.
To live on a prayer is a painful and beautiful thing. It was the worst and most amazing experience of my life.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
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