Hard Fought Hallelujah - 10 Years Together

Brandon Lake's newest release catches my attention for many reasons but this month it has me thinking about our 10th wedding anniversary. My brain just keeps thinking, "I can't believe we made it here." and then at the same time, "Of course we did!" Marriage was created to symbolize Jesus' relationship with the church. It's the closest earthly relationship we can have to that of the one we have with Christ. So when I think about my marriage like I do my relationship with Christ, the words to this song fit so well.

"Yeah, I don't always feel it. Yeah, but that's when I need it the most. So, I'ma keep on singing 'til my soul catches up with my song."

Marriage is a choice. Each day I wake up I am given the choice to love my husband or not. I can do life with him or without him. This is the same as my relationship with Christ. And the days that I struggle to do life with Adam are the days, that I need him more, and my stubborn independent self doesn't want to admit it. These are the days that I keep pushing on waiting for the rest of me to catch up. Just like there are days that I don't really feel God, and just have to sing until I do!

"There are times when my hands go up freely and times when it costs, oh-oh, there's days when a praise comes out easy, days when it takes all the strength I got."

There are days when it is easy to be married and it is my favorite thing. Those days I'm excited to spend time with Adam and I can't wait to be with him. There are times in our lives when choosing to spend time with each other costs us our individual desires. And there have been times in our marriage when being together is the last place we want to be. Those days when you sit in the driveway a little bit longer, trying to decide if you really do want to go into the house where the other person is waiting. There are times when loving each other looks different than we thought it would and it costs those expectations we brought with us into the marriage. We aren't a romantic couple that dotes on one another, we are two people just doing life together, and if I look at our marriage through any other lens we can find ourselves at a loss. Marriage did cost us our individuality, we are called to be one, and there are times when it really does take all that we have to surrender to what we have together.

"I'll bring my hard-fought, heartfelt been-through-hell hallelujah. And I'll bring my storm-tossed, torn-sail story-to-tell hallelujah."

This part of the song makes me think of how we are two imperfect humans trying to do life together in a broken world. Each year, as we grow together, we are faced with many obstacles that try to break us apart. Arriving 10 years from our wedding date hand in hand, side by side is nothing short of a miracle and insanely hard work. We have fought for this life together. Some years our sails were a little more torn than others. Money, Jobs, Covid, Depression, Parenting, Stubbornness, ADHD, and Anxiety have all been a part of our story. We have been head over heels for each other, and glorified roommates. We have been best friends and frienemies. We have had each other's backs and left each other stranded. We have each stepped in and stepped up when the other couldn't. We have been through sickness and health, richer and poorer. We both have pushed and pulled. This marriage boat has almost sunk a time or two, but each time we have built it stronger together.

"Cause God, you've been patient. God, you've been gracious, faithful, whatever I'm feeling or facing."

But God! For real, we would not be here together today without God. I remember a season of our life that was particularly dark and I was ready to throw in the towel when a small voice whispered, "But you stopped praying for him..." What? Talk about conviction. I realized at that moment that I had again stopped seeing my husband as my partner and a human and was more focused on all the ways he wasn't what I signed up for. God was convicting me of all the ways I wasn't being what Adam signed up for either. The biggest one, was a wife who prayed. Why is it that I find it easier to love, serve, and pray for perfect strangers, and not the man I committed my life to? God said, "I will fight for you, you need only be still." So there I stayed and prayed and God brought us through that fire and every other one we have faced together. 

"So I'll bring my hard-fought, heartfelt, it-is-well hallelujah."

We have had some incredibly good times together. No one makes me laugh like Adam does. When we are good we bring out the best in each other. He relaxes me and makes me have fun. And I add structure and stability to his ever-active brain and life. We are so incredibly blessed to get to do life in the place where we met, started dating, and got married. I often think about this crazy camp life we live, and God knew that here we would thrive together. 

"I've wrestled with the darkness, but I'm trying to reach for the light."

We have a season in our life that we call the darkness. And we fought like hell to get out of it. And there are times now we have to fight to remain in the light. We try to leave this part of our life very much in the past. But we wouldn't be where we are today without it. 

"Yeah, the struggle keeps me honest. And it breaks down the walls of my pride. 'Cause faith isn't proven, like gold, 'til it's been through the fire."

Nothing in my life has humbled me more than marriage and parenthood. I'm not as "good" as I thought I was. I am an imperfect human being, I love imperfectly, and I have so many flaws. It has taken a decade in the same space as another person for my heart to truly surrender and say, "Yeah, I'm just as imperfect as you are."

This song is playing on repeat right now, and each of these parts just keeps jumping at me. There is so much more I want to say but that's not really necessary. We are here, we did it, and we are still together doing this life, serving God, raising our children, and loving each other! Hallelujah!

Goodbye Yesterday

October 20, 2024, will forever be a special day for Adah. We were on our way to church and the song "Goodbye Yesterday" by Elevation Rhythm came on the radio. 

"Goodbye yesterday

I'm living in the light of a new day

I won't waste another minute in my old ways

Praise the Lord I've been born again

(I've been born again)"

This line came on, and she said, Mom, "what does it mean to be born again?"

So I told her that being born again is when you ask Jesus to live in your heart forever.

She promptly looked out the window at the sky and said, "Jesus, I want you to live in my heart forever."

We then walked through asking Jesus to forgive her sins, and she acknowledged that He is the one and only savior, and she wanted him with her always.

So I told her that she was in fact born again, and October 20th would always be her 2nd birthday! She was so giddy and excited. 

This morning, October 21st. We listened to the song again on the way to school and then followed it with "Good Day" by Forrest Frank, which is on our morning playlist. I paused it and asked her if she knew why songs like Good Day and I'm So Blessed are so important to us? She said, "No." So we talked about how no matter what our days bring us we can know that it is a good day and we are blessed because we have Jesus in our hearts, because of yesterday she could always have a good day no matter how the world acts. She then said, "But I thought Jesus already lived in my heart." I said, "That is correct, yesterday you just chose to ask him there permanently." Then she bounced out of the car and off to school.

I grew up a Christian, I can't tell you of a single born-again moment in my life. So it never occurred to me that my children, who also are being raised in the church would have one, and it was so incredibly special and mind-blowing. Adah has always had a profound understanding of who Jesus is and who He is to her, this along with her divine understanding of death has been blowing my mind since she was a toddler. It has been so easy to get stuck in the things that are hard for Adah in this life. School is not easy, she struggles each day to control her emotions and the ADHD brain that she has been blessed with. She is anxious and loving and so many things. I have never met a more stubborn human being, and have spent her life choosing my battles, and usually feeling quite defeated. Since I work in ministry, it has never been an option to not go to church or be a part of a faith community. But lately, I have been wondering if I'm doing this right? Mom guilt is the worst. 

My song for parenting Adah has always been "Oceans" by Hillsong. And the line, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders," often haunts my mind. I used to wonder why that was her song, and then I came to realize that being Adah's mother is the place where my trust is without borders, this is where I'm walking on water reaching out to Christ. I wasn't called to a mission field across the world but to one in my own home. Walking this stubborn child through the waves of life is where I have been called to be. So many times I find myself at a loss in motherhood, the day-to-day is hard. Balancing all the activities, with the educational needs, and making sure we balance screen time with play time can just about undo me. Sometimes if I'm honest, I find myself in the laundry room wishing I had taken Paul's writing in 1 Corinthians a little more to heart and stayed single in ministry! (haha) Yes, ministry with others was so much easier when I was on my own, but my ministry keeps adapting and changing. My calling into Youth ministry includes the youth in my household and when I remember this, motherhood isn't quite so daunting.

So here we are in another mind-blowing reminder as to who God has called me to be, and my children to be. At the end of the day, we are called his children! My children are really his children on loan to me, my job as a mother is to make God known to them in their real lives, in the small moments and the big ones! October 20th will forever be a special day worth celebrating for the born-again birthday, and the reminder that we are chosen by the creator of the Universe to love and be loved!