I have two currently that have been my "theme" songs lately so I will do them together. I think it is pretty obvious to anyone that reads my blog, or knows me well enough to read between the lines that this summer hasn't exactly been a party for me. I have found myself exceptionally low the past month and a half. People at work ask how I'm doing and I either have to lie and say I'm good or be prepared to explain why the opposite is actually the truth. The lie is easier, and I just keep moving through the day. The truth is, I'm ok, but no, I'm not good. With everything that has been going on there are days that I feel like I'm achieving something just by getting out of bed. I've cried more tears than I knew my body could produce and my prayers have swayed to the form of my soul just crying out Jesus, and sometimes, Why God, Why? I don't have any words, I mean I can still talk all I want and obviously blog, but when it comes to what I'm feeling and where my heart and soul are right now. There are absolutely no words. I don't even want to answer the question, How are you? No one is ok with the answer, I don't know. That is the truth though. I don't know.
I don't know why this hurts so much. I don't know why all of this is piling up on top of itself. I don't know why I'm not handling it better. I don't know why all those "pastory words" don't help anything. I don't know why I don't want to read my Bible, or anything for that matter. I don't know why I can't fix this. I don't know... I don't know... I don't know....
Then these songs come on the radio
Worn by Tenth Avenue North
Pray by Sanctus Real
So no I may not know how to answer questions or even understand everything going on in this complex soul of mine, but I do know an amazing God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth. I know He is bigger than anything that happens on Earth. This life is not everything, there is more, there is a greater purpose for all of this! So if you're struggling with anything right now, saying I don't know, or just wondering why God, why? Then maybe you can find some comfort here too!