Called, Blessed, Eternally Thankful!

I have been feeling a nudge this week to get back to writing on my blog. It has been basically a year since I have written on here, except for about my daughter. When I started this blog it was to share my life of ministry with those around me and anyone who might happen upon it. It has always been my goal to authentically share God's love and Grace from my experience with the world. Well this past year, was a dark year in my life, and out of fear, self-doubt, and pure pain, I quit writing, I quit sharing.

In January 2017 I transitioned from a ministry that I loved dearly to one I didn't understand. I uprooted my family and settled us into a world of chaos. For the entire calendar year of 2017 I was miserable. I thought it was the fact that I had to leave Hesston, a town and church that I loved so deeply. I thought it was the fact that even after 50+ job applications my husband couldn't find a full time job, and then when he did, it wasn't even close to what he wanted. I thought it was the fact that I was drowning in bills I couldn't pay, avoiding debt collector phone calls, and contemplating finding a second job to make ends meet. I thought it was the fact that I was exhausted beyond words, trying to fit it all in. I thought it was the fact that my father had become incredibly ill, and witnessing that was hard for me. I thought it was the fact that my new summer schedule didn't include Performing Arts Camp like it had for 10 years. I thought was the fact that my office was separate from everyone else and I was lonely. I thought it was the fact that the kids in my ministry didn't care and didn't want a deep relationship with Christ (they actually do). I thought all of this and so, so much more. I even got to a point where I doubted my calling to be a mother, wondering why in the world God gave me this child, when I didn't really want to be a mom, and so many others, who are better at it want nothing more. Thinking back on that one, kills me inside. I am so called to be a mother. I am called to be Adah's mother! And I pray that I never doubt that again.

I have realized now that I am in 2018, and a different career and a different place all together, that it wasn't all of my circumstances that were making me miserable, it was me. I had become someone I didn't know. I had become dark, ugly, angry, and pathetic. I had lost sight of the beautiful child of God I am. I became a monster of my circumstances. I let the stress of living in this world deprive me of the joy of being called to something greater. I despised my husband, my child, my job, and more than anything myself.

I couldn't write about it, because I hadn't admitted it to myself yet. I look back at last year, and all I see now, is God. God held it all together. I had completely fallen apart. I am so thankful that I serve a God who listens to the deep inner groanings of my heart. The part of my soul that I was strangling, God was listening to.

For a year I was broke, and not just financially. And I am here to today to say that God brought me through it. God surrounded me with people who guided me and pushed me and pulled me through. From my family and friends to my co-workers, and even to the man I spent most of the year angry at! God brought me through it. I have a marriage, far from perfect, but a marriage with a man I truly love. We have together loved each other through our darkest moments in life. And we are together today, by the Grace of God, standing as a new couple with hearts on fire for the ministry we have been blessed with. I have an incredible daughter. Adah Grace will challenge me for the rest of my life, I don't doubt it, but oh how she loves me and I love her. The bond that she and I share is so much deeper than mother and daughter. She really is my beautiful ornament of grace and my constant reminder that I am here for such a divine purpose! I have a new job that I am in love with. God has returned me home to my hometown. He opened the door to the place where I really truly fell in love with Him. God brought me back to Camp Horizon! As the Program Director I get to live onsite, I get to serve incredible college students who are spending their summer pouring into young lives. I get to meet so many different people and I get to work with the most God-driven people I have ever been blessed to know. I get to go home to my parents house any time I want and I get to live and be at camp! Camp is where I met Adam, discovered my calling, fell in love with God, discovered the Holy Spirit, conquered my fears, tested my faith, and became who I am today. Adam and I get to live at the place where we got married! How awesome is that? And now the path is being laid for Adam to work with me at camp! Just when I thought it was as good as it could be, this is the final piece. The reason none of his other jobs worked out like we wanted them to, why his other dreams have failed. We were always meant to go home and together serve God in a ministry so much greater than ourselves! Today, I am bursting with the goodness of God! I am so incredibly blessed, eternally thankful, and forever a child of God, called to live my life in ministry with others!