You Love Me Anyway

I'm sitting here in my office today with a lot of things I need to be doing and a lot of things on my mind. But I'm feeling very humbled today and the words of Sidewalk Prophet's song You Love Me Anyway are ringing through my head. This is not a new song by any means. I know it has been out for at least three years, but it seems to strike me hard during holy week. This song starts with normal questions that people ask, like why do loved ones have to die, and other things that sometimes seem to pull us away from God. But then it gets to the most powerful part of the song and these are the words that keep resounding over and over in my mind.

I am the thorn in Your crown

But You love me anyway

I am the sweat from Your brow

But You love me anyway

I am the nail in Your wrist

But You love me anyway

I am Judas’ kiss

But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd

For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground

Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face

With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace

And then alone in the night, I still called out for You

So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway  

(follow the link to hear the song)

This song continues to knock me down. It is often too easy to forget just how incredible our God is. I am leading Francis Chan's Crazy Love study again for me, but the first time for this group and he talks about it as well. How we need to be making the Cross the center of our lives. Chan says to think about the person you love the most and then picture them on the Cross dying for all of the world's sins. Most people think of their spouse or their children at this point, but being that I am single and have no children my mind flashes images of my parents, my brother, and my best friend on the cross. I can't entertain any one of them for very long because seeing any of them in that form of agony is just unfathomable. I have seen the movie The Passion of the Christ almost every year since it came out and the idea of replacing the person in those bloody scenes with someone that I hold near and dear to my heart is just too painful to even think about. Which just brings me to a state of awe. My God did that for me. He sacrificed the one person that meant more to Him than anyone else in the most brutal way possible, for me. 

And then to throw the words from the song into this already horrifyingly humbling picture. Now I'm the thorns, and the nails and the kiss of betrayal. Me? I'm a good person how is it that I was there all those years ago denying my Lord, hiding my shame from the world as He hung on that cross for me? 

It would be easy to live this life however I wanted because I can say well He loves me anyway and know without a doubt that that is true. But when I become the nails in His wrist, or the thorns in His head I can't even imagine not wanting to live my life for Him. I have spent my whole life trying to live like Christ and usually I feel really good about myself, but nothing stabs me in the heart faster than picturing myself as the one that put Jesus on the cross. It is so easy to look at Judas and see a selfish man that wanted life's riches and was willing to do what it took to get them, and you can almost be angry with him and glad that he hangs himself out of shame in the end. But the reality is I'm no better. How many times in my life have I let money take over my life, either the abundance or the lack thereof? How many times have I been greedy or selfish and not put Christ first? I don't even know the answer to those questions because they are so numerous. 

It is easy to look at Peter in his time of weakness and say shame on you for denying your Lord, you could see Him, you got to know Him, I would have been stronger. But would I? Would I really have been able in the midst of all that chaos that day been able to stand up and say YES, I am a disciple of that man you are trying to kill? Probably not, saying that would more than likely have been a death sentence for Peter or any of them. The mob mentality was so strong that day. Peter did what a lot of people would say was worse than Judas, because he denied knowing Jesus, Judas just gave Him away. And it is Peter that God uses to build the church, but Peter said he didn't know Jesus.... But you love me anyway! 

But you love me anyway? Really you love me, each and every time I fail you? But you love me anyway! How could I use that as an excuse to live a worldly life? Not when I caused the pain, the blood, the death of the only perfect human to ever walk this earth the epitome of divine and you love me anyway. I sit here humbled today, as I push away the thoughts of why do we have Easter Egg hunts in the church? The bigger picture here is not did we get enough candy donated to have this hunt, but we are in what is supposed to be the holiest of holy weeks of the year. My heart is heavy at this moment with the thought that we continuously miss the gravity of what happened during the first Holy Week, and He loves us anyway!

I don't want to be ashamed of my life anymore. I don't want to bury God's grace and turn away smiling. When I cry out at night I don't want it to be in shame. I have been called to walk on the edge of the world and I don't want to miss what I have been set here for, because of my own selfish desires. This Holy week I have been knocked to my knees in the realization of my own sinful unworthiness. I can't change that I am a thorn in His crown but I can change how that affects my life. God loves me and I should be living every moment of my life in a way that resounds that like a gong in the dead of night. GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY! These words are working in my heart today. How does it sound to you right now?

Safe Haven

I recently read Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks. I happen to be a fan of Nicholas Sparks, I haven't read one of his books that I don't like. I have this thing that if I watch the movie then I will never go back and read the book, so I generally read the book first. So when the movie came out, I really wanted to see it so I took the time to read it first.

This book takes an inside look at the effects an abusive relationship has on someone. Sparks does a really good job giving both sides of the unhealthy relationship, from the psychotic justification in the husband's brain to the gut wrenching fear in the wife. The story unfolds as Katie moves into a quiet town to restart her life laying low. She is a waitress and she lives on the outskirts of town in a cottage, and as she is constantly looking over her shoulder she slowly starts to fall in love with the people she meets. The owner of the grocery store and his children just happen to be three people who catch her attention and keep it. Alex is a widower and he is raising his two young children and running the store. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure his family is happy. His daughter has an instant connection with Katie and she seems to continue to bring them together. After a few dates and play days with the kids Alex and Katie can't seem to spend enough time with each other. Katie lets her guard down and lets Alex in, she tells him her past and slowly starts to heal.

The book goes back and forth between the characters' points of view. I think that when Sparks starts to really get into Katie's husband's mind things get really real. He fully believes that he doesn't do anything wrong when he hits her and controls her life. He is angry because she left him, and he quotes scripture a lot. Even though everything he is doing is against what God has planned for marriage it is justified in his messed up mind. I have always thought the mind is an interesting thing to study. There was definitely a lot of psychology that went into this book to be able to write out the insane husband so well, and the victim yet strongness in the wife, and the caring profound love in Alex. I think that Nicholas Sparks did a really good job with this book. If you are looking for a book that will open you up intellectually and emotionally all at the same time being a great chick book then I recommend this one!

One Year Anniversary

March 8, 2012 I left Camp Horizon in the early afternoon to drive north for the first time to Hesston, KS. Probably the most nervous drive of my life. I pulled into the Chinese Restaurant parking lot and parked. I was early, like planned. As I sat in my car for a couple of minutes praying, I looked out my windshield to see a camper parked at the camp grounds with a huge scorpion painted on it. I had to laugh at the fact that a scorpion felt reassuring and like home. I took a deep breath and went inside. I don't really remember a lot about my interview with the Staff Parish from the church. I was so nervous that it was hard to enjoy my honey chicken that I was so excited the restaurant had. I remember the faces that were all so reassuring and the ease of the conversation at hand. We then drove over to the church and finished the interview there. They gave me a tour of the church and everything seemed good. I drove away to spend the night in Newton with my close friends Sabrina & Jarrod. I did my best not to get my hopes up as I fell in love with everyone I had just met.

March 9, 2012 I woke up a lot earlier than normal because Quinn was ready to be awake and Jarrod was headed to work. So I enjoyed spending time with Sabrina and Quinn that morning as I got ready for round two. I had a lunch interview in Salina for another church. As I drove past the Hesston sign on the way north I couldn't help but smile, and my heart really did not want to drive all the way to Salina, but I told myself I couldn't get too excited and I had to keep my options open. That hour drive was spent in prayer about my life, my future, and God's plan for me. I pulled into the church and got a tour of the building, and then went to lunch with the pastor and a couple Staff Parish members. This was an informal interview that had the potential of leading to a full interview. They were so nice setting it up last minute for me so that I could do both in one trip. I remembered at the time how much I had fallen in love with the town of Salina the previous summer during other interviews and how much I wasn't a fan that day. As I was leaving the interview, it just didn't feel like the night before but I was trying not to compare the churches and give this one the fairness it deserved of standing on its own. I got a text that the children's director from Hesston wanted to talk to me after one. I didn't want to be on the phone while driving so I went to Target to kill some time. I bought a swim suit top that I had been wanting and debriefed the interviews on the phone with my mother. As I pulled into Sonic the children's director called me and we talked. She was so excited to meet me and was so nice and positive on the phone, I couldn't help but get my hopes up. As I left Salina the reality of everything started to sink in. There weren't any other openings that I knew of and Salina just did not feel right, I couldn't allow myself to get too excited about how awesome Hesston felt because I had had the same feelings at a previous church and I didn't get that job. As I drove I couldn't stop the emotions as I prayed, "God, if it isn't Hesston, I don't want to play this game anymore." In trying to keep my hopes at a normal level my doubts started to creep up, but by the time I passed McPherson I was smiling and had a peace of heart. I got back to Hesston and decided to drive through the town during the daylight so I could see what all there was in town. One of the first things I saw was the Police Truck. I laughed because once again something so trivial was so reassuring. As I drove out of the town I got a text from Stan asking when he could call. I told him in 30min, and I drove to the mall in Newton and parked, and waited.  The phone call came and he offered me the job, it was all I could do not to scream yes, as I realized I wanted to discuss this large decision with my parents before accepting. I called my mom and we talked and by the end of the conversation she asked why I hadn't already said yes, she told my grandparents that I got the job. I then called my other grandmas and told them. I called my brother and told him I was moving to Hesston, and he told me I had to wait until his transmission in his truck was fixed, and then I realized I hadn't even accepted the position yet. I called Stan back and said yes. We set up that I would return to Hesston the following Wednesday to meet the kids.

It really is hard to believe that it has already been a year. So much in my life has changed since last March. From March to August were probably some of the hardest, most stressful, rewarding times of my life as I drove to Hesston every week to work with the kids and returned to Camp to fulfill my duties as the Graduate Intern there as well. I was swamped with homework, as I was determined to complete my Master's degree in less than a year, and at home we were housing a very troubled young lady that was pushing against everything we had to offer. I was Maid of Honor for my friend Leslie and planning her showers and wedding events, and somehow trying to keep my head on my shoulders and staying true to all of my commitments.

This past year truly has been insane. I feel so incredibly blessed to have this job and get to spend my time with all of these amazing students that choose to spend their time here. I have met so many incredible families and people that are part of the ministry happening here. Yes, there are days that I think I'm going to pull my hair out, and days that I would rather stay in bed than deal with the stesses and chaos that are part of working in a church but I wouldn't trade my job for any other. As much as I love camp and talk about it, my heart is here. I know that to be true. When I spend time away from the kids I miss them, I get excited when they are excited. This is my calling, this is my life, this is who I am. I looking forward to all the amazing things we will be able to do in Year 2!!!

Why Are You a Christian?

Our sermon series for the Lenten season is all about who Jesus is. Today we talked a lot about the scripture where Jesus asks His disciples who they say He is. Most of the time something during sermons gets me writing and today I decided I might as well share it on my blog. Pastor G was talking about creating personal faith statements, something that you can use to answer that question that often gets asked, Why are you a Christian? She said that in seminary one of her professors encouraged them to rewrite this faith statement every couple years, because as we grow, study, experience life, and learn our faith statements change. I have written theologies of ministry but I'm not sure I have ever sat down and written out my own faith statement or creed, so today in the middle of the sermon I did.

These are my raw thoughts, I haven't edited it much, I'm sure I will over time:

Why are you a Christian?

I believe in love, a deeper kind of love than romance.

Love that is everlasting, unconditional, and limitless.

This love is found on the cross.

Agape love comes from the Father of the Universe, the creator of everything.

Agape love comes from the Son of the Father, the living word, 

the promised one, who died for the sin of the world,

He rose again filling the gap between humanity and divinity.

Agape comes today through the Holy Spirit that guides and directs our lives.

Agape comes now flowing from the Father to the Son through the Spirit into this broken world.

I believe in Agape Love, therefore, I am a Christian.

Well there it is, for now!

Youth Group Lock In & Middle School Fun Day

Last weekend with my best friend I hosted a High School Lock In over Friday and Saturday and a 7th-8th grade fun day on Monday. It was a lot of fun.

High School Lock In:
 We got to together and ate, there was pizza and a lot of food. The kids wanted to play hide and seek as they normally do, they played three or four different versions throughout the night. There was a dance off with one of the kid's Xbox (I'm wishing now that I had gotten some pictures of their hilarious dancing). We played some games, there were different competitions throughout the night. There were fun Minute to Win Its and this fun game. We also did a painting craft, it was a rendition of this. We also watched Forrest Gump.

7th & 8th Grade Fun Day:
 I suppose I could just say it was an 8th grade fun day. I didn't have any 7th graders there. We started with breakfast and then they wanted to play hide and seek as well. For some reason teenagers really like playing hide and seek in the dark. I really dislike the game, lol. We played the Oreo minute to win it game as well. We played Scattergories and then we had lunch. After lunch we went to a hotel here in town and went swimming. When we came back we cleaned up and watched She's the Man.

Over all it was a fun weekend with some of my kids and they were able to have just a fun filled time when they were out of school.

Here is a video that I made after!

Still Alice

Buy the book here at Amazon!

My second book for 2013 was Still Alice by Lisa Genova. This was yet again a book I probably wouldn't have picked up but turned out to be very good. I read the entire book on my phone, it was a different way to read but I really enjoyed having my book with me at all times and not having to carry anything extra with me. 

This book is about a Harvard Psychology Professor who specializes in Linguistic studies that finds out she has Early Onset Alzheimer's. The rest of the book is very detailed in Alice's struggles with learning how to live as he mind slowly, not all that slowly, stops working. It starts when she forgets words in lectures that she has given multiple times and then she goes for a run and gets lost in Harvard Square. It progresses from there and she struggles trying to keep her coveted position at Harvard and figuring out who she is when she is no longer an author and professor. The title comes from her learning that no matter what she is Still Alice.

Alzheimers is something that everyone knows about but unless you have lived with someone who has it then it is a disease that is hard to understand. I highly recommend reading this book, it gives a whole new light to to what these people have to deal with along with what their families have to deal with. 

A Smack in the Face Kind of Day: Time to Count My Blessings

So today was one of those days where I wished that I had a boyfriend, friends that live in Newton, or still lived close to my family. All of the fun-ness started yesterday.

The last couple days I when I started my car it kind of made a er er sound as it started, but each time it started and ran just fine, but in the back of my head I was like that kind of sound like the battery. Yesterday, was Friday and I realized I was looking at my first free weekend to spend in the area with no real plans. I decided to go to Newton after work and find something to do with my Friday night. I decided to get my nails done, something I never do but sounded like fun. After I got my nails done I got into my car and it wouldn't start. It took three times before it started. I got it running and called my father. When something breaks or doesn't work on my car I always second guess myself and need to make sure I know what I'm talking about before I go somewhere and sound like an idiot. I told my dad what it was doing and he also said it sounded like the battery. I drove to AutoZone and went in to see if the guy that was working could test my battery. He cleaned off the corrosion on the battery terminals and tested my battery. It said that it was still a good battery and had 50% charge. He put the charger on it, and it started up just fine. So with his recommendation I decided to see if I really could get 3-6 more months out of the battery. After talking to my father again, I decided to drive back to Hesston and end my night out. Dad said that the drive home should finish charging the battery back up. We were hoping that the only problem was the corroded battery terminals.

I made it home safely and everything was fine. This morning when I got up and decided to head to Wichita to meet up with some friends. I went out and my car started just fine so I drove back to Newton to get gas at the Kwik Shop. I filled up my car and when I got back in it wouldn't start. I was praying it was like the night before and that it would start the next time. No such luck. So I called my dad again, because this is my go to reaction in times like these. I decided to ask someone at the gas station to help me jump my car, which by the way is something very humbling to have to do. Reminder here, I am 23 but I look like I am 16 and without meaning to easily play the dumb girl card when it comes to cars. I first asked the guy next to me if he would be willing to jump my car, he seemed safe, his wife was in the car. He said no, I didn't know people did that. I was thrown off and didn't know how to ask someone else, I was humiliated. I asked the guy behind him if he would be willing to jump my car, he asked if I had jumper cables and then said that he would as soon as he was done filling up his car. He pulled his truck up and attached the cables. There wasn't even an er er sound anymore, just that horrible click, that rings out DEAD! We tried a few times and nothing. So he said, "I'm a really nice guy, so I will drive you to AutoZone to get the new battery." I believed he was a nice guy but my mind started screaming at the same time, so I called my dad again, this time really trying not to freak out. while on the phone with my father I tried to get my car into neutral but was struggling, then it started. So the guy said he would follow me to AutoZone to make sure I didn't break down on the way there. The whole way there I stayed on the phone with my parents. My mind was very fragile at this point and I was doing all I could to not completely break down. I mean I had to act like an adult when I got to AutoZone I couldn't be my father's fragile little girl when I got there. I pulled into AutoZone and the guy pulled in behind me and said that he had said a prayer that a new battery would fix my car problems, and then my angel drove away and went back to whatever he had planned for his Saturday.

I went inside and bought a new battery, the nice guy in there took out my old battery, he made fun of the guy that was working last night and his cleaning ability on the battery terminals) he also made sure that my alternator was charging like it was supposed to and all checked out well. I got in my car and heard that beautiful sound of my car starting. I was able to go on to Wichita and enjoy my afternoon with my friends. Of course I cried the whole way there as everything sank in and just how blessed and thankful I am. I had fun with my friends but what I really wanted to do was drive back to that safety net that sometimes I miss so much and curl up in my parents arms.

It is odd how quickly that loneliness can sink in after feeling completely stranded and having to utilize what is available. I got home from Wichita and decided to enjoy what was left of the beautiful day with a walk/run around town, trying to get my body to relax and remember that I really am ok. I got home feeling a little better and all I could hear was my neighbors upstairs having dinner with their entire family. There was a lot of laughter and running around going on upstairs. I sat down and it started to sink in just how much I wanted to go home. This happens every now and then but usually I find something to do and those feelings go away. I got on my computer and saw all of the pictures of my young cousins that my parents babysat all week and that was not helping. About the time that I couldn't handle it anymore, I was ready to curl up in my bed and call my mommy for some support. There was a knock on my door. My neighbor from upstairs was at my door with a plate of food. They just wanted me to have some dinner. I said thank you and smiled and he went back to his family. I shut the door and lost it. How did they know how alone I felt in that very moment?

I spend so much time trying to be an adult and to get people to respect me as the 23 year old that I am and today I wanted nothing more to go home and be a kid and let my father fix all of my problems. It will never cease to amaze me how much we depend on our cars and how much our lives are thrown out of whack when they don't work correctly. Today was just a little reminder that we can't take our blessings in this life for granted, because they are not always going to be there. Lord, thank you for providing me with angels in my life that help me every day. Sometimes, they come in the form of random people at the gas station, neighbors, students, songs on the radio, and many more ways that I'm sure I don't even know. I'm sorry for all of the times I take these blessings for granted and for all of those times that I can't look up from my simple world and see all of those people that are in need. Please help me keep my eyes open for when someone is struggling like I was today. I want to be the good Samaritan not the man who tells that young girl no and drives away. Amen!